Some memes

of being honest, is not one that comes naturally to me, even with a bit of clean-time. quite honestly what has been on my mind since the meeting last night was the use of pronouns by some of my peers, when they share. i know that more than likely, like me, they may actually be resistant to being **told what to do.** i also believe that like me, they are adverse to being stereotyped or generalized into a common group. i AM not sure how valid those assumptions may be, but they certainly hold true for me, myself and i. being the judgemental type that i am, and yes i am working on it, i have come to the conclusion that it is either ignorance or fear that drive them to deflect what is really going on in themselves.
moving from the realm of “them” into the realm of me, i can see why i would give advice or paste over my differences with the use of “you,” “us,” or “we” when i share with my peers. that reason is either to make myself feel better about who i am, or to diminish and minimize what i see as “negative” in myself and my life. using the pronoun “you” personalizes an observation and creates a sense of being “more than” those around me. from that perch i feel “entitled” to give advice and i need not accept suggestions from anyone else, asked for or not. i have retreated to my “Fortress of Solitude” once again and am isolating myself from the loving care of my peers.
the flip side of that is using the pronouns “we” and “us.” when i do that, i am trying to minimize a behavior or pattern of thought that i want to keep on the down-low. the simple fact of the matter is i only have two things in common with all of my peers: ADDICTION and a program of RECOVERY. i cannot even say my desire not to use today, is shared among all of those i am recovering with, today. the act of prefacing something with addicts in general are… means i about to reveal something that i do not want to be seen and i am papering over my FEAR with a sweeping generalization, putting all of my peers, everywhere into the same bucket. after all, if everyone does it, why should i be concerned about it? great work when one can get it.
why did this notion bubble to the surface this morning? well the use of language is how i keep my secrets hidden in plain sight. i can sound, oh so spiritual, when i am actually doing my best to distract and tap dance my way into total denial, one more time. i pretend that i am being honest, when in reality i am just being a bit more subtle about telling a bald-faced lie. my dirty little secret, is i am not as “well” as i want all of YOU to think i am and playing the pronoun game allows me to stay as sick as the secrets i am trying to protect. when one such as myself, has built these sort of defenses, it takes time and a conscious effort to drop them by the wayside and not go back and pick them up again. just for today? well just for today, i will make a conscious choice to be myself and levee the rest of you to be yourselves as well.

∞ DT ∞