Blog entry for:

old beliefs about trust, is a process that started way back when and continues to this day. when i got clean, i believed trust was for suckers. only the weak and feeble, trusted anyone, as my experience across the course of my active addiction taught me. the only time i was “taken” was when i trusted someone to be who they said they were and to do what the agreed to do. a little bit of that hesitancy would have paid off when i got taken i n not once but twice by time share scams. what those foul folks taught me, is that i can learn to trust those who are in my life, but if something sounds to good to be true, it probably is a scam unfolding. it is kind of ironic that someone purporting to be from the US government, called me about those scams, not all that long ago, but as i hung up i realized it was one of them, as i recognized that voice and the manner in which they spoke. they probably realized their mistake, as they never called back to get the process of taking my money, once again, rolling.
that however, is old news and despite the fact that i have almost recovered from my little dive into being trusting of those whom are out to separate me from my hard-earned money, i have found in the fellowship that is my home today, the ability to trust my peers, my friends, my closed-mouthed friends, my sponsor and those men who actually call me their sponsor. time and again, i have shared the stuff that i swore i would take to my grave and time and again, i never heard it come back to me, in any way, shape or form. coming from a family where everything that could be used against me, was used against me, this is a very refreshing atmosphere in which i can be myself, be open and thrive. today, as i sat and listened all i heard was echoes of gratitude that i have found my peeps. today, i know where i can dump my shirt and it will be dispersed to the four winds, never to be returned.
one more quick note before i move on to my workout. as i read through my entry of a year ago, i realized that part of my inability to forgive my dead Mom, was based on the fact that she kept me away from my family in Montana, for my childhood and most of my adult life, before i got clean. her distaste for them, was infectious and i truly believed that i would never be a part of that family. i take responsibility that i did not reach out and figure out how to join that family and that addiction and a flawed belief structure kept me from seeing any sort of truth. she believed what she did, right to the end, but by getting clean, letting them see me for who i am, i have become family once again and am grateful that recovery opened a door to those relationships. forgiving her, means i get to forgive myself and the regrets for the time i “lost” will resolve as i move forward with my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞