Blog entry for:

may or may not be changing each and every time i work through a SIXTH STEP. i do know that over the course of this step cycle, i have started to come to terms with my inherent racism and my white male privilege entitlement. i have yet to figure out how to live that life and deal with those who have yet to accept that at least on some level, they too are racist and entitled. as i sat this morning, a conversation i had with one of my inebriated cousins on Friday night, revolved and devolved around this very topic. i decided that being “right” was not worth hammering home my point of view and left that conversation to be had at another time and place. i am not quite sure on how to be an “ally,” but i am quite certain that as i grow into an understanding of what my new outlook is, i will be better prepared to make my stand. the fact that i could walk away and not continue a discussion that fed my self-righteous indignation over the attitudes of someone i have the desire to remain close to, was in and of itself a positive sign of growth. if i want my point of view to be understood, i am willing to listen to that of others, even when the judgement machine has kicked in and i am getting ready to dismember their belief systems with extreme prejudice.
to travel across two states that have quite a different worldview than myself and to never be sure whether or not to grab a mask when i left my car, has set-off a whole lot of processes in my head. i know that the pandemic is not some sort of political foil to topple number 45 and send him into obscurity. the fact that my cousin, who is struggling to survive COVID-19, supported that worldview, at least in some sense, saddens me to no end. i wonder that if he, like me, was a bit more vigilant, would he still be in the ICU? i may wonder and i could jump to judgement from my pedestal of self-righteousness, but i choose to send positive energy his way, in the hopes he finds the strength to come back from the edge of this abyss.
things are how they are. today, i am okay and willing to do what it takes for me to stay healthy. as i wait, yet another week for my biopsy results, i have to have FAITH that i will get what i need to get. i also have to have FAITH that i am on the correct path to finding a manner of living that allows me to take in the opinions of everyone i meet and not have to argue a point of view that they may not be able to grasp. just for today, perhaps it is time to call my sponse and get moving on my step work, since STEP SIX, is next up. NAH, maybe not! 😉

∞ DT ∞