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self-centered fear guide my actions, is something i hardly ever consider these days, after all i have a minute clean and my **demons** have all been exorcised no matter what my using addict niece happens to think. i did, however, consider what she said and investigated whether or not there was a kernel of truth to her mud-slinging. she seems to be very fond of the word “hate” and has no clue that just because someone does not gush all over her and ply her with “postie reinforcement” they do not care for her or her well-being. i recognize this attitude, because it was part of my repertoire when i was using, during my merely abstinent phase and into my early recovery. for me, it came from a sense of over-entitlement and yes self-centered fear that i would not get what i deserved. i cannot say where it may be coming from in her case and i choose not to go down the path of assigning motives to her behavior. i know that when i tell her the truth, she reacts defensively and lashes out. unfortunately for her, she is a novice facing a master at lashing out, so even if i do not “join the battle” she has already lost yet another one, as her blows are far from effective at causing me any pain or even consternation.
looking at myself and what i heard as i listened this morning, i hear echos of those ancient doubts and fears coming from the depths of my soul. i may not have “demons” running around inside of me, but i am far from fearless in my approach to daily living. worst of all, more and more, i feel entitled to stuff that perhaps, is not really mine. i have been in a maintenance mode of step work for a couple of years now and i am beginning to wonder if it is time to seek out a new sponse and start a new round of steps.
i can say that without a doubt, i am angry at that little addict, because she will not do anything for herself and feels threatened every time some one suggests that she find a full-time job. identifying the fact that i bare more than a bit of animus towards her, may actually stop the process of forming a nicely polished and well-justified resentment, on my part. i can see that today is the day i that start the process of letting go of any expectations i may have in regards to her and allow her to choose whatever path she has the desire to follow. if she choose failure, that is not my stuff and certainly is nothing i need to take on, no matter how much i want to grab her by the shoulders, pick her up and place her on a path that will lead to her success.
it is time now, to venture out into dawn's early light to get a few miles under my belt. things in my life may not be moving fast enough for my taste, but those i have a modicum of power over such as my recovery: physical, spiritual and mental, i will do what i can to better my life and situation and allow the rest of the world to spin as it will, just for today.

∞ DT ∞