Blog entry for:

for the presence of my sponsor in my life. i have to own that if it were not for my last assignment, i would rarely contact my sponsor. this morning, without even being here, he helped me to release the power my niece has had over me for the past twelve hours. on nothing has changed, she still is who she is and certainly in my way, as i deal with the estate and full of bile towards me. what changed was that as i sat and contemplated this special person, my sponse, i was lifted to a spot where i no longer need to waste any of my personal power on what she may or may not do. i released the ties that bind me and now, all i have, at least from my side, is a pure bidness relationship that ends on April 19, 2024 at 3:00 PM. it is true i did not sleep well last night and i had to own my wrongs before i could fall asleep, as my behavior was far from stellar. this morning after listening, i knew that i had closed out a chapter in my life, sadly it has to be a family member that i am choosing to walk away from, but right now that relationship is toxic for me and i have enough on my plate without piling on some toxic shit.
sitting down to put into words what i am feeling, before heading out for my tour d'hood is kind of weird as i feel emptier and sad, as well as relieved and lighter. these days it seems that i never have simple feelings any more, every time i identify a feeling it is almost always a combination of two or three, often conflicting ones. it was through the direction of my sponse that i learned to allow myself to feel and to stop categorizing my =feelings as good or bad. that however is a bit off-topic for this morning. he showed me how to be present and most importantly the path to finding a place where what other people thought of me was none of my bidness.
of course, i heard none of that consciously as i sat, but as i consider what i felt, i know that and a whole lot more bubbled up to the surface. i know the world does not rest on my shoulders, even though at times i feel like Atlas, doomed to carry the weight of the world, because i lost a battle. i have people in my life who get me, love me and allow me to be who i am, with minimal expectations and strings. my sponse is certainly in that group of folks and just for today, i will allow myself the freedom to listen for his guidance and walk a path of active recovery.

∞ DT ∞