ยฟ what is my ๐ค
Posted: Fri, Apr 18, 2025 06:43:30 AM
purpose in life? when i trip across this question, through my daily recovery regimen, i have to stop and pause, considering whether or not there is an answer to that question. i know that many of my peers struggle to come up with an answer, just as they expend tons of fruitless energy wondering how they became an addict. i, myself have have been in that mental maelstrom, more than once, doing my best to come up with answers that satisfied that mystery and would relive me of the responsibility of being an addict. it took me quiet some time for the first part of the three disturbing realizations to sink in: “i am not responsible for my addiction…” if i am not responsible, which i wholeheartedly accept this morning, then how i became an addict is no longer a relevant question. which leaves the question with which i started.
at this point in my recovery journey, these sort of question can become exercises in mind fuckery. i am quite sure that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is for me to stay clean today. in my fantasies, i see myself as some great savior of all mankind with exceptional abilities to life the evil from the world. in reality, when i dwell in that house anyhow, i see myself as just another addict doing his best to live another day in active recovery. to say that, is not to minimize the effect i have on the world around me and those who i encounter in my daily travels. perhaps, living spiritually and up to my ideals, as best i can, is more than enough of a “purpose” today. perhaps, i need not make excuses, rationalizations or justifications for being anything more than that. perhaps, and this may be a big stretch, my one act of kindness that i perform will change the life of someone else today. i do not know and more to the point, i do not care. if i can leave a wake of good will, rather than a trail of tears, than that is purpose enough.
it is time, to post this and get my ass out to the Rec Center, even though it is not that nasty outside this morning. as i see how to be kinder to those around me, i know i will certainly be kinder to myself. maybe, just maybe that is all it is all about. i certainly do not know and i am not about to spend any more bandwidth trying to suss anything more out, after all, i am not a lotus eater today and i want to live the life that i have been gifted, just for today.
at this point in my recovery journey, these sort of question can become exercises in mind fuckery. i am quite sure that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is for me to stay clean today. in my fantasies, i see myself as some great savior of all mankind with exceptional abilities to life the evil from the world. in reality, when i dwell in that house anyhow, i see myself as just another addict doing his best to live another day in active recovery. to say that, is not to minimize the effect i have on the world around me and those who i encounter in my daily travels. perhaps, living spiritually and up to my ideals, as best i can, is more than enough of a “purpose” today. perhaps, i need not make excuses, rationalizations or justifications for being anything more than that. perhaps, and this may be a big stretch, my one act of kindness that i perform will change the life of someone else today. i do not know and more to the point, i do not care. if i can leave a wake of good will, rather than a trail of tears, than that is purpose enough.
it is time, to post this and get my ass out to the Rec Center, even though it is not that nasty outside this morning. as i see how to be kinder to those around me, i know i will certainly be kinder to myself. maybe, just maybe that is all it is all about. i certainly do not know and i am not about to spend any more bandwidth trying to suss anything more out, after all, i am not a lotus eater today and i want to live the life that i have been gifted, just for today.
∞ DT ∞