Some memes

my desires to control everyone and everything, seems like a herculean task at times. as i sat listening to what my peers shared in my home group this morning, i was taken down the road of remorse and regret. the fact that i carried the garbage of my childhood for so long, kept me from seeing that my Dad, was loving and caring, as he aged. he had even started to open up, which for me was quite unexpected. my regret are that i lacked the desire to spend the time i could have spent with him, due to my inability to past what he once was. in the end, i gave him the most precious gift i could, providing him the ways and means to see his brothers, with absolutely no expectation of return from him. i got to spend multiple hours on out journeys to Montana, connecting with him and seeing, perhaps for the first time, the man he probably always was, it was just me being blinded by past the kept me from realizing all of that, before it was almost to late. what i learned about myself and him, in those road trips was that i was wrong about a whole lot of stuff and perhaps, if i was wrong in that instance, i might be wrong about what i believed about myself. it took a few months after his death, before i came to grips with that fact and finally being freed from the chains of the lie that defined my life.
this morning was not one of those morning where i could keep the crap of my overactive mind to slow down and stop. at least once i thought of surredering to the fact that i was not going to get it and just quit. i persevered through my doubts and although it was far from an ideal session, it was enough for me to be open when i shared about the relationship between my DAD and i. this afternoon, i am not in the mood to do any plumbing, or walk my steps off. i will however do a light workout and allow myself the freedom to just take the afternoon off, with no shame, guilt or remorse attached. i believe that perhaps. i need to decompress and be okay just being, rather than doing. so it is off to the mailbox and then out for a tour of the hood. what happens after that, is yet to be determined, but i will be present for what i am feeling and respond accordingly. i need not now or ever again be locked into doing anymore than i can, just for today.

∞ DT ∞