π³ learning to live π΄
Posted: Sun, May 25, 2025 12:32:44 PM
and give within the limits of my life. living within my limits has always been problematic for me, as i have all sorts of fantasies and flat out lies that have run through my head, since i was a wee lad. some of them, i actually accepted as the “truth” and lived accordingly. others i knew were pure fantasy, but even when i acknowledged that fact, wishful thinking kept them on the front burner. as to giving? well, when i came to recovery, giving was a quid pro quo game for me and i was more than a bit unsure how and what i could give.
as i saw the real limits of living, i became less than enthused about living a life in recovery, but i decided to give all of myself over to serving the fellowship. i was still playing the chameleon, blending in, as one of the few who chose to serve, unconditionally, but in reality, there were all sorts of strings attached. i served so i could get attention and kudos from my peers, and i was quite successful at being a big fish in a small pond, until i reached the point where that no longer filled the void. when i finally departed from the highly visible service i was engaged in, i was already seeking m y next “fix” when my sponse, suggested that maybe i should learn to serve to the down-low. in other words, be a worker bee and not bring attention to my efforts. that did not fill the hole, but it allowed me to see what was going on inside and make an effort to become someone i may have always wanted to be.
the process of getting a glimpse of who i may want to be, took another decade. i may be smart, but when dealing with self-introspection and recovery, i am a very slow and deliberate learner. even after a few years of being freed from the overarching lie of my life, i am only now beginning to see who i do not want to be, and taking action to find a path to become that person, who has always been locked inside of me. that person, as he starts to emerge, is finding his way in this brave new world, more affected by the political climate that he chooses to admit and certainly ready to step out from the manosphere and into just being human. that goal looks as doable as reaching the 180#39;s again, all i have to do, is do the work, just for today.
as i saw the real limits of living, i became less than enthused about living a life in recovery, but i decided to give all of myself over to serving the fellowship. i was still playing the chameleon, blending in, as one of the few who chose to serve, unconditionally, but in reality, there were all sorts of strings attached. i served so i could get attention and kudos from my peers, and i was quite successful at being a big fish in a small pond, until i reached the point where that no longer filled the void. when i finally departed from the highly visible service i was engaged in, i was already seeking m y next “fix” when my sponse, suggested that maybe i should learn to serve to the down-low. in other words, be a worker bee and not bring attention to my efforts. that did not fill the hole, but it allowed me to see what was going on inside and make an effort to become someone i may have always wanted to be.
the process of getting a glimpse of who i may want to be, took another decade. i may be smart, but when dealing with self-introspection and recovery, i am a very slow and deliberate learner. even after a few years of being freed from the overarching lie of my life, i am only now beginning to see who i do not want to be, and taking action to find a path to become that person, who has always been locked inside of me. that person, as he starts to emerge, is finding his way in this brave new world, more affected by the political climate that he chooses to admit and certainly ready to step out from the manosphere and into just being human. that goal looks as doable as reaching the 180#39;s again, all i have to do, is do the work, just for today.
∞ DT ∞