ฮฑ in recovery i struggled to find words that spoke truly from my heart ฮฉ
Posted: Thu, Sep 21, 2006 07:44:09 AM
in all my relationships, not just in my relationship with GOD. but since the topic today is about the asking part of my relationship with GOD, also known as prayer, i will stick to that topic.
those of you who know me, or have been reading this little ditty on a semi-occasional basis, know that i did not come to recovery with a desire to build a relationship with GOD, in fact when you look at it, i was downright derisive of anything that could not be quantifies, qualifies and neatly wrapped with pretty packaging and a bow. that being said, the whole prayer gig was totally foreign to me. at that time i was willing to do whatever i was told -- well almost, i do not believe that i was ever willing to dress in pumps and fishnet stockings and push a peanut with my nose down the middle of Main st.
so when my very patient first sponsor asked me about prayer and got the reaction one would expect from someone like me in early recovery -- angry, bitter and lacking any flexibility, he had to tell me that in his humble opinion it was the only way that i was going to stay clean. he did not sugar coat that statement by offering rewards or softening the blow by saying recovery -- it was all about abstinence back then and getting out of the justice system. so like a petulant brat, i got down on my knees twice a day and asked GOD to keep me clean in the morning and thanked GOD for keeping me clean before retiring for the night. and that part of my prayer routine still is part of my day. i no longer get down on my knees, as that is not required in my relationship with GOD and the THEEs, THOUs and THINEs are long gone too! but what remains is a deeper expression of what is really on my heart and the words that i use to express are less than adequate to convey the entire idea. and that has become my understanding when dealing with the divine world. language, no matter how precise lacks the necessary terms to express what is in my heart, so i have to make do the best i can.
so what does prayer do for me? well the most important thing is that it reminds me of my place in my relationship with the divine, the junior partner, i can ask but i also need to listen for the answers to what i am asking will arrive if i pay attention. answers, however are a topic for another day!
those of you who know me, or have been reading this little ditty on a semi-occasional basis, know that i did not come to recovery with a desire to build a relationship with GOD, in fact when you look at it, i was downright derisive of anything that could not be quantifies, qualifies and neatly wrapped with pretty packaging and a bow. that being said, the whole prayer gig was totally foreign to me. at that time i was willing to do whatever i was told -- well almost, i do not believe that i was ever willing to dress in pumps and fishnet stockings and push a peanut with my nose down the middle of Main st.
so when my very patient first sponsor asked me about prayer and got the reaction one would expect from someone like me in early recovery -- angry, bitter and lacking any flexibility, he had to tell me that in his humble opinion it was the only way that i was going to stay clean. he did not sugar coat that statement by offering rewards or softening the blow by saying recovery -- it was all about abstinence back then and getting out of the justice system. so like a petulant brat, i got down on my knees twice a day and asked GOD to keep me clean in the morning and thanked GOD for keeping me clean before retiring for the night. and that part of my prayer routine still is part of my day. i no longer get down on my knees, as that is not required in my relationship with GOD and the THEEs, THOUs and THINEs are long gone too! but what remains is a deeper expression of what is really on my heart and the words that i use to express are less than adequate to convey the entire idea. and that has become my understanding when dealing with the divine world. language, no matter how precise lacks the necessary terms to express what is in my heart, so i have to make do the best i can.
so what does prayer do for me? well the most important thing is that it reminds me of my place in my relationship with the divine, the junior partner, i can ask but i also need to listen for the answers to what i am asking will arrive if i pay attention. answers, however are a topic for another day!
∞ DT ∞