Blog entry for:

to stay clean each day, is a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery and one that i ask for each day. i make no bones about it, i expect that if i ask for the power to stay clean today, i will be given everything i NEED to stay clean today. i do not dilute that gift by asking for “help” to stay clean nor do i pretend that there is anything within me to stay clean, save for the DESIRE to do another day in recovery. i am not someone who puts a great deal of stock in the whole prayer gig, BUT for me anyhow, asking for the power to stay clean and gratefully acknowledging receiving that power, frames my day. when it comes to prayer, that is basically it and i could go on and on about how little i pray and what i get out of that activity, but i am sure my point is quite evident.
as i considered my day, last night, as i watched my Fantasy Football team climb out of the basement to a semi-respectable score, what kept sticking in my craw was how disrespected i felt. the fact that i expected anything else, is certainly on me, especially when dealing with those who feel entitled to ask for and receive whatever they feel they “need” to, whenever the mood strikes them. as i sat this morning, i became certain that i reacted rather than responded to what i felt and i was grateful that i kept a civil tongue in my head, by not saying anything. for me, that may not be the best way to handle things as it hearkens back a behavior i walked into the rooms with: swallowing my feelings. the difference being, i made the choice to stay quiet, walk away and allow myself time to consider what i was willing to pay: a bit of angst as i sorted out my feelings versus having to own that i was wrong and repair the damage i perpetrated. the angst passed, and i was left with a bit of sadness that so0meone could be so oblivious to those around them and it was my job to accept that as reality and move along.
this morning, as i prepare to venture out into this chilly, rain-washed morning, i feel that i have the power to stay clean today. my DESIRE is matched by the gift of the POWER that fuels my recovery and i can step out with confidence that i will not be looking with envy towards those who can use “every now and again” and be okay. this addict certainly knows what side his bread is buttered on and even if i could justify my way to just “one,” i would lose all that i have been given and built over the course of the days i have been clean, including but not limited to the ways and means to feel something “more” from a POWER beyond my ken.

∞ DT ∞