Blog entry for:

forgiving myself, seems as if it might be something i should do without any forethought or consideration, after all, am i not in the process of becoming something i never was? well, quite honestly, sainthood or martyrdom are not states of being i see in my future. it is true that i do feel “better” when i let go of a grudge or resentment over some sort of perceived “harm.” it is also true that asking for someone to forgive me, when i go to them to take responsibility for the damage i have caused, does create a bit of internal strife as i worry over whether or not they will actually forgive me, or even say that they will. as much as i would LOVE to control the outcomes of each and every interaction i have with people in my life,especially those who are closest to me and most apt to get stomped on by my disregard, i know that i am powerless over what they do and might as well come to accept that as a fact of life. the sad fact of my life is that often i can forgive others when it me, myself and i that i choose to perpetually punish for the deeds i have done in the past. part of my last NINTH STEP was finally making amends to myself, so i could move on and be a better person to myself.
having come to this point, i see that i am sleeping much better now that i have let go of my incarcerated and institutionalized friend. he really is clueless about how to live any sort of life on the streets, with or without the use of drugs to self-medicate away the prison of feelings and thoughts he creates for himself. one might think after so many years of failing, that he might be ready for something different, and yet, when given the opportunity to do just that, he justified and rationalized his way out of taking what was being offered, a different way to live. for me, i have to maintain HOPE that he may actually “get” some day and have FAITH that the program will continue to work for me as well as millions of others, around the world, so it could work for him.
this morning, what i feel right here and right now, is that even though there is more than one person in my life who IMHO, owe me an amends, i need to stop holding m,y breath, expecting one to come. i can be okay without them taking responsibility and forgive them anyhow, even if they feel they have done nothing wrong. i am better than holding expectations of stuff that will never in my lifetime happen. in fact, i can move into my day and not pound the notion of them under the soles of my shoes as i tour the 'hood. my goal is to get out of mu self-made gaol and live a life freed from the crap i manufacture in my head, just for today.

∞ DT ∞