โซ just like many of my peers, the first prayer i attempted โซ
Posted: Sun, Sep 21, 2014 11:10:35 AM
was a simple request to the POWER that fuels my recovery, asking for the power to stay clean each day. after a long and very winding road, my prayers today, have returned to that basic form, with very few added embellishments. i have written about my spiritual journey more than once, and although i may have written about prayer and meditation as well, i feel that today, for no particular reason i should go through the evolution or devolution of my standard prayer form.
yes i started way back when with the request for “help” to stay clean today, even though i did not believe. for an agnostic, i certainly slipped back into foxhole prayers, when my ass was in a sling, across the course of my active addiction. ironically, when i finally got forced to sit in the rooms, for however long, it was that agnosticism that came into play and not the foxhole Christian, that was lurking under the surface. i resisted, rationalized and certainly intellectualized myself away from ever coming to believe, BUT i saw something working in the rooms, so i decided that i would at least give the very minimum form a whirl and stared to ask “WHATEVER WAS OUT THERE,” for help staying clean.
well to work the steps, at least in the fellowship i was a part of, way back when, that was insufficient to continue my process, so i adopted a view of a HIGHER POWER from my sponsor and was off to the races. if i was going to adopt the manner of praying like a Christian, i was going adopt the whole enchilada, oh not the churchy religion part, that was still way too weird for me to do, but asking for this and that in prayer, and expecting it to show up, my so-called “Santa God” phase.well that version really acme through for me, an d my prayers kept getting longer, filled with an ever expanding list of what i thought i needed to be happy. for a while that certainly worked, until i realized there was never going to be enough, but that day was still quite a bit down the road.
so i switched fellowships, started a new set of steps with the focus on addiction rather than the specific substances and behaviors that were the symptoms of addiction, and as i got to STEP THREE, which i believable was going to be a piece of cake, i was asked a very poignant question my sponse, to which i said i pray on my knees, because that was what i was taught to do. he then asked me if that was really a requirement for my concept of a HIGHER POWER and i was thrown way off my game. ironically, he was a Christian, in word and deed, so to challenge my Christianized version of Santa God, was quite a leap of FAITH for him.
BOOM, all of a sudden,m my carefully constructed version of HIGHER POWER dissolved in a puff of smoke, and when that cleared i realized that i had to find something, that would work for me. day by day, i stripped off attributes and requirements. i removed what i though and allowed myself to feel what is, until today, i find that HIGHER POWER is ,the POWER that fuels my recovery and the SOURCE from which all the opportunities for me to be happy, healthy and sane, flows. my prayer this morning? “Thanks for a new day, keep me clean today, help me to get through today, without using or hurting myself or anyone else.”
not a whole lot there but certainly more than enough. i do not pray that someone should get a job, a new car, a relationship, miraculously healed or any of the stuff many of my peers ask me to pray for on a very consistent basis. that is their stuff and if they choose to ask for it, more power to them. to me, prayer is a very personal experience and one that remains solely within the realm of the things i have power over. today i am quite comfortable with version of spirituality that has become my center and need not shout it from the rooftops.
Jesus saves, but Moses invests!
just an ancient joke to close out this little bit of minds dump and get moving into the next part of my day.
yes i started way back when with the request for “help” to stay clean today, even though i did not believe. for an agnostic, i certainly slipped back into foxhole prayers, when my ass was in a sling, across the course of my active addiction. ironically, when i finally got forced to sit in the rooms, for however long, it was that agnosticism that came into play and not the foxhole Christian, that was lurking under the surface. i resisted, rationalized and certainly intellectualized myself away from ever coming to believe, BUT i saw something working in the rooms, so i decided that i would at least give the very minimum form a whirl and stared to ask “WHATEVER WAS OUT THERE,” for help staying clean.
well to work the steps, at least in the fellowship i was a part of, way back when, that was insufficient to continue my process, so i adopted a view of a HIGHER POWER from my sponsor and was off to the races. if i was going to adopt the manner of praying like a Christian, i was going adopt the whole enchilada, oh not the churchy religion part, that was still way too weird for me to do, but asking for this and that in prayer, and expecting it to show up, my so-called “Santa God” phase.well that version really acme through for me, an d my prayers kept getting longer, filled with an ever expanding list of what i thought i needed to be happy. for a while that certainly worked, until i realized there was never going to be enough, but that day was still quite a bit down the road.
so i switched fellowships, started a new set of steps with the focus on addiction rather than the specific substances and behaviors that were the symptoms of addiction, and as i got to STEP THREE, which i believable was going to be a piece of cake, i was asked a very poignant question my sponse, to which i said i pray on my knees, because that was what i was taught to do. he then asked me if that was really a requirement for my concept of a HIGHER POWER and i was thrown way off my game. ironically, he was a Christian, in word and deed, so to challenge my Christianized version of Santa God, was quite a leap of FAITH for him.
BOOM, all of a sudden,m my carefully constructed version of HIGHER POWER dissolved in a puff of smoke, and when that cleared i realized that i had to find something, that would work for me. day by day, i stripped off attributes and requirements. i removed what i though and allowed myself to feel what is, until today, i find that HIGHER POWER is ,the POWER that fuels my recovery and the SOURCE from which all the opportunities for me to be happy, healthy and sane, flows. my prayer this morning? “Thanks for a new day, keep me clean today, help me to get through today, without using or hurting myself or anyone else.”
not a whole lot there but certainly more than enough. i do not pray that someone should get a job, a new car, a relationship, miraculously healed or any of the stuff many of my peers ask me to pray for on a very consistent basis. that is their stuff and if they choose to ask for it, more power to them. to me, prayer is a very personal experience and one that remains solely within the realm of the things i have power over. today i am quite comfortable with version of spirituality that has become my center and need not shout it from the rooftops.
Jesus saves, but Moses invests!
just an ancient joke to close out this little bit of minds dump and get moving into the next part of my day.
∞ DT ∞