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and my personal understanding of a Higher Power. as my relationship with that Higher Power develops, prayer becomes a source of strength and comfort. well, as i thought, a few of the addicts at the service meeting on saturday were quite confused about my passion for a convention on the other side of the mountains, despite the fact that a perfectly good bid was put forward for a convention 10 miles or so from my house. i was certain i would have to fade the heat for agreeing to present that bid, and this morning i have absolutely no regrets, at least in this respect. i did what i know in my heart was correct and i was true to myself and kept my word, not only to the letter but to the spirit. i acted with integrity, and when i went over my actions in my daily inventory, the only thing that struck me was the the intensity of my passion.
what does that have to do with prayer and my relationship and personal understanding of a HIGHER POWER? well, for one, i went into that room and asked for guidance and the skill and desire to be true to my word and make the best presentation, and carry the best argument that i could. that the outcome went came out the way i desired is wonderful, but quite unimportant when i look at the role prayer played in that whole event. that was an event in my service career, and not a process, although there was a process involved. that process? doing my homework, praying for the tools to carry the message in the most persuasive manner and letting go of the final result. where does that leave me? well i got a bit of ‘splaining to do to the members in my hometown and area.
the interesting part of this whole affair, is where it comes in my step cycle and my current spiritual condition. i am now quite ready to move into my TWELFTH STEP, as i have finally processed what the this step cycle has been all about and what has happened as a result. i know that my personal understanding of a HIGHER POWER has shifted way out from what it used to be, and as i have written before, it lacks any human attributes or characteristics. asking for guidance and the ability to STAY clean today from something that far beyond my comprehension has been, tricky to say the least. this one-sided conversation, has truly become a conversation. i may ask for the exact same things every morning -- namely the power TO STAY CLEAN TODAY NO MATTER WHAT; i may be grateful for the same thing every evening, BEING GIVEN WHAT I NEEDED TO STAY CLEAN; the words i use, however vary form instance to instance. i have also become more in tune with what is going on inside of me, and as a result, my prayers have much more variety than ever before. coming from a spiritual tradition of rote praying, in fact, we were encouraged to memorize a particular form of communicating with the divine, this new form is quite surprising to me. after all, i am loathe to accept any change in my life, and certainly when iot comes to something as intimate as prayer, that sort of change is something i resist even more. be that as it may, the change has come about, i have become comfortable in this new paradigm, and i am moving deeper into a FAITH based program, that is sustaining me through this time of change in the world around me. i have FAITH, that no matter what comes down the pike, i will be given what i need to stay clean today, and when the time comes to explain my actions to those members i share the rooms with in my home town, they too will be able to hear what drove me to passionately argue against a convention close to our homes, and perhaps they will see that in this whole spiritual journey gig, what is convenient is not necessarily correct.
so off into this already altered day, to make a buck or two and take care of what i can. after all, there was no manna on the ground this morning, at least not in my backyard.

∞ DT ∞