โ i came to recovery remembering the words to the prayers โ
Posted: Fri, Sep 21, 2012 08:42:03 AM
i had learned in childhood, i was quite sure i DID NOT believe in those words. i am still not a **GOD** guy, nor do i ascribe to any religious path for my spirituality, but i have learned how to pray, over the course of time.
okay, anyone that has heard me share knows that i use the word **GOD** often enough, that when i say i am not a **GOD** guy, there seems to be a disconnect between reality and my version of reality. there really is not, as i use **GOD** as the generic term for the POWER that fuels my recovery. i do this for a few reasons, but most importantly i am basically a lazy sot, so when one three lettered word can be used instead of 25 letters and 4 words, i just do it, when i can. there are times, when the word GOD, sticks in my craw, and on those days, heck even when those days stretch into weeks and months, my stubbornness, outweighs my laziness and i use the most comfortable term for me: the POWER that fuels my recovery.
all of that aside, when it comes to prayer, i was certain that what i knew when i got here was enough to kill me. when my a$$ was in a sling, sure i asked GOD to get me out of it, relatively unscathed. when i had once again done something stupid, i asked the same GOD to help me cover it up so no one would ever know. when i felt myself getting too close to the edge of oblivion i would beseech GOD to keep me from dying and rail at GOD afterwards that i did not go close enough. to me, GOD was there to protect me form my own idiocy, to blame for all my troubles, and to be my dumping ground for all my venom. it is no wonder that when i finally got clean, i was more than a bit mistaken about the whole prayer and GOD gig.
when the fog finally cleared, which happened sooner, rather than later for me, due to my not so unique circumstances, i started to explore what i did and did not believe and found myself in quite a conundrum, how the heck am i going to pray, to something i see as unjust, uncaring and capricious. all of the evidence for such conclusions, was in the books that talked about GOD, and was always swept away with the whole mysterious ways broom. so i was quite stuck, for quite some time. honestly my borrowed concept of GOD only got me so far, but the prayers i initiated way back then, are still present in my spiritual routines today. i asked that concept of GOD to KEEP me clean, back when i could not and i stayed clean. i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean, to this day, as the CORE of my FAITH is: it is the will of that POWER that i stay clean today. i know i have said that a whole lot recently. part of the reason is not to convince me or you, but to grow more comfortable with a truth for me. it is tough for me to wear any mantle of FAITH, much less something so definite.
i digress, and this is about praying and not necessarily about FAITH and what i believe in, although all of that is important to get where i am. today after thousands of days of practice, and for me it was practice, painful and hesitant at first, i can now say that i am comfortable asking for the power to stay clean from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can say that i am comfortable saying “thank you” to that same POWER before i go to sleep at night. most importantly i am comfortable asking for what i want and some times even letting go and seeing what is happening. in all of this, as i grow up in recovery, i am more and more certain, that this IS the life for me and one that i can gratefully cherish through my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery (just for clarity).
what i guess i need to say, is yes i pray. yes i have pitched the words of my childhood religion and most of the concepts i learned \back in those days. yes, my journey to this point had been long and with more than a few unexpected twists and turns, but today, i understand that all of that was NEEDED to get me to where i am today. so yes i am grateful that i can pray to GOD today, knowing that i will get whatever it takes to keep me clean today and everything else is just wonderful gravy. it is a great day to be clean.
okay, anyone that has heard me share knows that i use the word **GOD** often enough, that when i say i am not a **GOD** guy, there seems to be a disconnect between reality and my version of reality. there really is not, as i use **GOD** as the generic term for the POWER that fuels my recovery. i do this for a few reasons, but most importantly i am basically a lazy sot, so when one three lettered word can be used instead of 25 letters and 4 words, i just do it, when i can. there are times, when the word GOD, sticks in my craw, and on those days, heck even when those days stretch into weeks and months, my stubbornness, outweighs my laziness and i use the most comfortable term for me: the POWER that fuels my recovery.
all of that aside, when it comes to prayer, i was certain that what i knew when i got here was enough to kill me. when my a$$ was in a sling, sure i asked GOD to get me out of it, relatively unscathed. when i had once again done something stupid, i asked the same GOD to help me cover it up so no one would ever know. when i felt myself getting too close to the edge of oblivion i would beseech GOD to keep me from dying and rail at GOD afterwards that i did not go close enough. to me, GOD was there to protect me form my own idiocy, to blame for all my troubles, and to be my dumping ground for all my venom. it is no wonder that when i finally got clean, i was more than a bit mistaken about the whole prayer and GOD gig.
when the fog finally cleared, which happened sooner, rather than later for me, due to my not so unique circumstances, i started to explore what i did and did not believe and found myself in quite a conundrum, how the heck am i going to pray, to something i see as unjust, uncaring and capricious. all of the evidence for such conclusions, was in the books that talked about GOD, and was always swept away with the whole mysterious ways broom. so i was quite stuck, for quite some time. honestly my borrowed concept of GOD only got me so far, but the prayers i initiated way back then, are still present in my spiritual routines today. i asked that concept of GOD to KEEP me clean, back when i could not and i stayed clean. i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean, to this day, as the CORE of my FAITH is: it is the will of that POWER that i stay clean today. i know i have said that a whole lot recently. part of the reason is not to convince me or you, but to grow more comfortable with a truth for me. it is tough for me to wear any mantle of FAITH, much less something so definite.
i digress, and this is about praying and not necessarily about FAITH and what i believe in, although all of that is important to get where i am. today after thousands of days of practice, and for me it was practice, painful and hesitant at first, i can now say that i am comfortable asking for the power to stay clean from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can say that i am comfortable saying “thank you” to that same POWER before i go to sleep at night. most importantly i am comfortable asking for what i want and some times even letting go and seeing what is happening. in all of this, as i grow up in recovery, i am more and more certain, that this IS the life for me and one that i can gratefully cherish through my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery (just for clarity).
what i guess i need to say, is yes i pray. yes i have pitched the words of my childhood religion and most of the concepts i learned \back in those days. yes, my journey to this point had been long and with more than a few unexpected twists and turns, but today, i understand that all of that was NEEDED to get me to where i am today. so yes i am grateful that i can pray to GOD today, knowing that i will get whatever it takes to keep me clean today and everything else is just wonderful gravy. it is a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞