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the **right words.** i remembered the words i had learned in childhood but was not sure i believed in those words anymore.
actually i knew i did not believe those words, and i also knew way back then that prayer was just some superstitious manner of letting go of control.
so my task was to unlearn those beliefs, and that process has been written about many times before, from several angles, so i will not rehash that stuff today.
what struck me about this reading this morning was what it did not say, nowhere does it tell me how to pray, or what to pray to or for. it provides a few examples directly from our literature, and makes a simple suggestion to seek out the experience of other members. nothing more and nothing less. i know that our program is based on another program, that was founded by Christian white men, hence the liberal use of the word "God." that word was quite a stumbling block for me, and i often felt that one certain manner of looking at the HIGHER POWER concept was being shoved down my throat. in the program that i started my recovery in, that argument can hold true, after all, most meetings of that fellowship end in a certain, specifically religious prayer. part of the reason i crossed fellowshipped back in the day, was that in the fellowship that i finally decided to recover in, that prayer was never said, in fact that was often passionate discussions about the whole religious versus spiritual dichotomy that the program encompasses. never was i told to get down on my knees and humbly abase myself to a concept of GOD that i made me uncomfortable. quite the contrary, i was encouraged to seek my own understanding, my own method of creating the bond, and my own manner of communicating with that concept.
yes that made things difficult, because in those days i was seeking more than direction, i wanted answers. i actually did get down on my knees and use the words including thy, thou and thine, even though i did not believe. finally my second sponsor asked me if that sort of behavior was really a requirement in my ever shifting concept of a HIGHER POWER and as i thought it over, i came to the conclusion that it was not! the irony of this is that as i grow in recovery, the manner in which i establish my bond, and what i say and ask for becomes less and less formal. i no longer need a hierarchy of what comes where and when. i just speak what is on my mind in any language, formal or slang that happens to suit my mood. yes there are some things i pray for every day, like the power to stay clean today. it is not something that is required by the HIGHER POWER concept i have today rather, it is something i do, to remind myself where the power to stay clean comes from.
anyhow, long story short i just ask to stay clean, knowledge of GOD’s will for me, and THE POWER to carry it out. so long theological discussions aside, i am who i am, my concepts of the divine are they are and i choose tom accept the power to stay clean today.
so off to the showers to see if i can finally catch-up from vacation.

∞ DT ∞