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and now i have arrived at the crux of the problem, as my spiritual path is not where one does a whole lot of praying. the **nice** part about this spiritual journey, is that no one is grading me on how well i follow it. i still take comfort in the **bookend** prayers i frame my day with, asking for the power to stay clean and expressing my gratitude for receiving that power. i know that sounds a bit like a cop-out and perhaps it is just a remnant of the spiritual path i was walking to try and fit in with my peers. just for today, though i can accept that is where i am. i am a superstitious person, as evidenced by the fact that my Peyton Manning shirt will not be laundered until the Broncos lose. i know for a fact, that what i wear and the state of that apparel has nothing to do with a Football team's performance in a game, nevertheless, i allow myself the luxury of thinking that it might. as silly and irrational as that may seem, it is fun to appeal to my less than rational side and do something that i know has very little effect on the world around me.
so yesterday i finally admitted that i made a HUGE mistake and got scammed. i will be paying for that for quite some time to come and the self-flagellation about living in a greedy haze has been dealt with through my connection to the POWER that fuels my recovery. it took someone else, to point out how blind i was to reality and for me that sucks. so when they call this morning, i will say i will be happy to trip down to Mexico City to collect my $75K. when i get slapped by reality, my normal reaction, which i certainly tried to trip down, is anger and self-recrimination for being such an idiot. yes i was duped. yes it took someone else to point that out and yes i want revenge on the scammers. after running through that little scenario and trying to figure out what to do, what i came to was buy more PowerBall tickets, write a budget and downsize my extravagant life. oh i am going to play along a bit and get some satisfaction out of that, but what i am walking away with, from this lesson is to be “true” to myself and if i think i am getting something for nothing, well perhaps it is time to do a deep dive into conscious contact. more than anything else, there is a certain calm and serenity in having this end, that i am at a loss to explain. where i should be still feeling red-hot anger and polishing up a HUGE resentment, i merely feel regret. i do not know why this is so, maybe that big bad boogie man is waiting around the next corner to jump out and pound me into dust. or maybe <GASP> i am learning to surrender (YUCK), let go and accept. nah that cannot be it!
anyhow i need to get out and get some steps in, call my addict and get rolling on what they pay me to do. it is a good day to have the sword removed from over my head.

∞ DT ∞