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i become more comfortable with prayer.
true fact, i once believed prayer was for the weak minded and superstitious people that inhabit the world with me. their ignorance was demonstrated daily by invoking something more to get them out of the messes they themselves created. i, too, was one of those fools, every time i fVcked something up so badly in my life, that i was unwilling to face the consequences. while there certainly are many superstitious, intolerant close-minded people out there who invoke superior knowledge of a path to salvation, what i have discovered that for the most part, my views on what is within my power and what needs to be turned over to a HIGHER POWER, is really not far from the middle of the pack. yes as i grow in recovery, my intolerance, close-mindedness, and superstition, recedes and i become better prepared to face the storms of life. yes i still get pissed when i hear those same self-proclaimed prophets of eternal life, ignorantly spouting off about this class of humans, this scientific idea or that, on the internet, but like me, they are entitled to live in whatever fantasy world they can create for themselves.
so enough about everyone else, i do not apologize for my tirade this morning, but i do think it is time to shift the spotlight back to me. so prayer, when i finally got here, was something i did not believe in, and was certainly an issue between and my first sponsor. i had my beliefs and prayer, except in the direst of circumstances was totally uncalled for, and never worked anyhow, so seriously WTF! it took some time, and some superstitious practice until i came to accept that prayer, in some form or another, could be a part of my world and one that i would come to depend upon, as the minutes turned into hours, as the hours, accumulated into days and as that chain of days became double digit years. yes, in the beginning, asking for a HIGHER POWER''s help to stay clean, just for today, was the best prayer i could muster, and thanking that POWER for another day clean, was grudgingly added to my daily routine, very shortly afterwards. even that small accommodation, was certainly a superstitious practice for me, but i did it, because that is what the man who sponsored me did, and i wanted to stay clean, just for today, so my legal problems would evaporate.
well, some time, some practice and some steps later, i still pray at least twice daily, instead of asking for help to stay clean, i ask for the power to stay clean, as i have discovered and come to accept, that i CANNOT stay clean under my own power. today, i can ask for in prayer all that is beyond my power and i also know that if i can quiet down the incessant white noise that runs through my brain, my prayers will be answered, even if the answer is contrary to my desires. the understanding and my practice of prayer is something that developed over time, in tandem with the constant metamorphosis of my notions of what a HIGHER POWER was or was not, to me. those concepts, will continue to grow, as long as i keep practicing them, and even though i am fairly certain that the world is way older than 10,000 years or so, i can allow others to live within their belief structures, with me, imposing mine of them. yes, that is a final parting shot, but i am a work in progress, so…

∞ DT ∞