Some memes

is in being myself, not in spite of what i have been through, but because of it. i have been dwelling a lot on who i am, where i am going and how can i remain a vital and productive member of society. the part-time job that feels more like a hobby gives me something to do. playing with AI keeps my mind active and in a creative vein. my physical fitness routine tunes me in body and spirit and the void adds balance. with all of that going on, how could i still be in a place where i am unsure of how i fit into this world? that is the crux of the problem, being myself when i do not know who that self just may be. as i listened to the quiet this morning, after going through a few iterations of which source i would use, it came to me, that perhaps, as i said to one of the men i sponsor, that i am trying too hard.
yes, i know how ridiculous that may sound, after all i am a grown ass man and way past the point in my life where i do not have a clue about his life. and yet here i am, like some teenager wondering how to fit into a world he does not understand. this theme has been recurring since i let go of the ruling lie in my last FIFTH Step and was brought down harder with my transition into retirement. what i felt was that i just need to go with the flow and allow myself to see the beauty and joy in the current version of my life and accept that being productive no longer means pounding away writing code for cable TV, a spam house, insurance or telemarketers. what is does mean, is being revealed in the small segments that i need, rather than arriving with a drum roll and an anthem. i may be obtuse when it comes to seeing who i am, what my purpose may be and where i am going, but i am still willing to see where i may be going.
the simplicity of letting go of finding THE ANSWER and allowing myself to find it by feeling it is something that i see as necessary but not always sufficient. i the answer even if it has not been totally defined. of course, if on of the men i sponsored asked that question i would laugh and say they are exactly where they need to be, stop fretting and let the program do its work, there is nothing mystical, magical or mystical about what is happening. my progress through this process is ongoing and even if not knowing makes my skin itch, i can say that i like not working and spending time using my computer for something other than code. just for today, i guess i need to surrender and let things work in the manner in which they work, without assigning judgement or mystery. that is how i got here and more than likely it is how i will arrive tomorrow if i decide to stay true to myself and my new manner of living.

∞ DT ∞