Some memes

my butt in a seat at a meeting won't keep me clean or magically make me recover. i really did not feel like writing anything today, as i am very consistent about my daily program of recovery, in fact my spouse would accuse me of being obsessive about it. i HAVE to do daily 10th and 11th steps. i HAVE to text several addicts on a daily basis. i HAVE to ask for the power to stay clean and express my thanks for yet another day clean. and yet, there are times when i do not make meeting attendance the top of my plan of the day list, to my great peril. i have seen what happens to my peers when their lives get better, i am certainly in that state of living. i have also seen what happens to my peers, when sadly, they think they “got this.” they disappear. some find alternate ways to maintain their recovery, others stay clean by sheer force of will, others die and some come dragging their tails back to the rooms, after a relapse. i am grateful that those who find a different path, did so and continue to grow. those who die in relapse, i feel sad that they could not get what they needed here to stay clean. i applaud those who come back after mere white-knuckle abstinence or a relapse, as that takes great courage to face, what i am sure, is the judgement of the fellowship, even if we do not judge. for me, however, this path has worked and i so have meetings that i attend on a weekly basis, even if it is not daily. i certainly was one of those who once hoped “ass-mosis” would be the path to recovery.
willingness without action is just wishful thinking. i have always hated that line, mostly because i know how honest and straight to the heart of my problem it goes. today, i do not just wish to recover, i work at my recovery, even when doing something like writing down my thoughts seems like an imposition that is preventing me from doing something i really, really have the desire to do. silly me, i forget what i have the desire to do something else, and it is not just because i have conceded to myself that i am an addict and powerless over addiction. writing this little exercise, frees my mind form the grunge of every day living and allows me to share a bit more openly about what is going on inside my head. here i can write about the horrors of active addiction, in graphic detail, if i choose to. here i do not have to be politically correct or spout the line by line the wisdom of my fellowship. here i can be opinionated and allow real life to be part of what i share, without having to consider the feelings of others or if what i write “triggers” them. here the masks all come off and i show my whole and true self, as i have no idea if anyone will actually read this writing. after decades of doing this, i no longer care if anyone accepts my invitation to see my angst, my joy or the twisted way i consider the world and my recovery. here i need not male excuses, justifications or elegant lies about who i am or what i am about. here i am my whole and genuine self and if someone is offended by that, i am not the one who victimized them.
wow, that did not go where i thought it might, but i guess it was what, just for today, i had to write. it is after all a good day to remember that writing this is part of my consistent program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞