Some memes

by setting limits of what i will and will not tolerate is part of the amends i have made to myself. one of the nice things about long term recovery, if one wants to think past the whole just for today concept, is that it has allowed me to prune out the intolerable and toxic relationships that were present in my life when i got clean. some i set and enforced strict boundaries for and others i simply walked away from. in either case, each and every time i did so, there was the pain of leaving something predictable and familiar and stepping into a new, healthier regime. another nice part of being clean for a very long minute, is that i do not have to wait around until i get to STEP NINE, to make those adjustments to my life.
this morning, as i sat and listened, the litany of toxic relationships came up from the depths and the harm that i allowed to be done to myself, was evident as i felt the pain i endured for far too long, in those relationships. this is where i could go into martyr mode blaming someone else for my pain and suffering, but unfortunately i no longer play that game. the truth is, that is i did not realize it consciously, deep down i knew something was wrong in those relationships, even when i was in active addiction, i CHOSE, to sweep what i felt, under the carpet. i could go on and on, as i often do about playing the victim, allowing toxicity and not stepping up for myself sooner, but to what end? today i see what i acceptable and tolerable to me, in my relationships and take the necessary steps to stop them in their tracks. i can advocate for myself and am quite glad to do so. does that mean i will not be making any amends to myself this round of steps? HELL NO! there is plenty of damage i need to forgive myself for and for which i need to make amends. my relationship with myself is still abusive and toxic and is being addressed in this round of steps.
it is off to go meet the real world and allow myself some time to decompress before i go to my little job that i call my hobby. unlike many others in my age group and employment status, i refuse to ossify into that grumpy old man who lives his life in fear of the future because the media band wagon tells him that people of color are out to take my future comfort, being tolerant of others is weak and feeble and those of a political bent not mine, are out to get me. i have a better outlook on life than that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞