Some memes

to change the things I can: ME! wisdom, courage, serenity not three things i thought about in active addiction. i knew it all, was fearless, lived in self-created chaos and believed that was how everyone in the world lived. when the world got too close? well relief was just a swallow away, as the old ad jingle goes. mere abstinence was not much better although i quickly learned how much i actually did not know and was humbled more than once. i have absolutely no qualms about being hammered into shape by a fellowship that was cruder, harder and far less forgiving of idiocy than the one i am part of today. times change and my fellowship has evolved into what it needs to be and i have no qualms about that either. as i evolved along with my fellowship, rough edges were certainly sanded off, emotionally and spirituality. as a result my “wisdom” to know what i can and cannot change evolved as well.
it is certainly nice to sit down with a cup of coffee and a cigar and not have something bubbling up from the depths to consume all my bandwidth. i am still plodding away on my FOURTH STEP, but today, it feels a million miles away. i times past, i would take this as some sort of cosmic reminder that i need to take a break from what i am doing. well i would tell myself it was the cosmos talking to me. so i could rationalize setting down the pen and closing the notebook, for a minute, perhaps a long one. the message i am receiving today is to enjoy the ride, and take care of my bidness, one question at a time. what i want to do, is mock drafts, hours and hours of them, to hone my skills for my fantasy draft tonight. what i am going to do, is perhaps two or three, have lunch with one of he men who call me their sponsor to celebrate their 13th anniversary of their clean date and work with a friend on Tradition Two, for the next eleven hours football will be on my mind and i will have to allow myself the wisdom to see that i can change that and participate in the rest of my life.
right here and right now, i am not dreaming of killing someone or something, stabbing them over and over again, screaming DIE, DIE! that was last night and i really do not remember the rest of that dream. i am also wondering if my friend will read and enjoy reading my not so little dive into novel length prose. is there anything hat requires me to se the wisdom i have gained in recovery in this slice of reality? nope. i am a bit concerned about the text i sent off to my friend yesterday asking for clarification from his side as to the state of our relationship. i guess crickets is certainly an acceptable response, even if it drives me mad. i want a bit of certainty and i may not be able to get anything. what can i change about that? the expectation of receiving a response at all. i sent off my missive and now i have to accept that his answer may very well be, no answer at all. i do not need to chase him down to pine him against he wall, i just have to wait and see what happens. that is the strongest thing i can do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞