ฮฑ my feelings of gratitude are not limited to particular gifts, ฯ
Posted: Thu, May 3, 2007 07:09:33 AM
these feelings arise from the overall sense of joy i feel in my new life.
they also come from a certainty that i have chosen the correct path to follow. the most ironic part of this, is that i resisted, fought and did everything in my power to face a life just like the one i had before i was put upon the path of recovery, it was not until i finally surrendered that i got any of the gifts that recovery has to offer. when i sit in a meeting, i still identify most closely with those newcomers that are being forced to be there by a justice system that believes they may have a chance. i am certain that the ones that justice has given up on, are not forced to attend our meetings. the reason for my identification, i am certain, is that is how i got here. i have stated before and will say it again, that i did not understand how desparate i was until after i was involuntarily sentenced to the path of recovery, and that was exactly how i viewed it. the shift to the gratitude i feel today was a very slow and often painful process. i know that it was me and the part of me i call my disease that made it so tortuous, so when i see newcomers struggling with the exact same issues, i want to help them to make an informed decision as to their life after justice. the unfortunate part of that is i no longer appear to be ‘one of them.’ in fact one my sponsees commented after he heard me share that it was unfathomable to him that i was ever like him. based on what he saw as my current lifestyle and the manner in which i spoke and acted, he never would have believed that i was ever like him.
i am digressing, because i got to celebrate the ten year anniversary of one of the men who got clean with me last night. thinking about that first year and the way we used to whine, and complain about our lives and listening to him today is quite a study in what the program can do in our lives. so here i sit on this early may morning contemplating why i am grateful for being able to be grateful, wondering if it was really worth all the turmoil to finally accept that this was the correct the path for this addict to take. what i am left with is similar to what the basic text says about even finding abstinence, it takes what it takes PERIOD! it is easy to feel grateful this morning but to describe everything i am grateful for is fast becoming beyond the words and ideas i know how to express. the decision not to use anything today no matter what, is not a difficult one for me, BUT it is one i NEED to make every day, if i want to live this life i have been given, and actually i do want to continue this life, so off i go to face my responsibilties in the real world.
they also come from a certainty that i have chosen the correct path to follow. the most ironic part of this, is that i resisted, fought and did everything in my power to face a life just like the one i had before i was put upon the path of recovery, it was not until i finally surrendered that i got any of the gifts that recovery has to offer. when i sit in a meeting, i still identify most closely with those newcomers that are being forced to be there by a justice system that believes they may have a chance. i am certain that the ones that justice has given up on, are not forced to attend our meetings. the reason for my identification, i am certain, is that is how i got here. i have stated before and will say it again, that i did not understand how desparate i was until after i was involuntarily sentenced to the path of recovery, and that was exactly how i viewed it. the shift to the gratitude i feel today was a very slow and often painful process. i know that it was me and the part of me i call my disease that made it so tortuous, so when i see newcomers struggling with the exact same issues, i want to help them to make an informed decision as to their life after justice. the unfortunate part of that is i no longer appear to be ‘one of them.’ in fact one my sponsees commented after he heard me share that it was unfathomable to him that i was ever like him. based on what he saw as my current lifestyle and the manner in which i spoke and acted, he never would have believed that i was ever like him.
i am digressing, because i got to celebrate the ten year anniversary of one of the men who got clean with me last night. thinking about that first year and the way we used to whine, and complain about our lives and listening to him today is quite a study in what the program can do in our lives. so here i sit on this early may morning contemplating why i am grateful for being able to be grateful, wondering if it was really worth all the turmoil to finally accept that this was the correct the path for this addict to take. what i am left with is similar to what the basic text says about even finding abstinence, it takes what it takes PERIOD! it is easy to feel grateful this morning but to describe everything i am grateful for is fast becoming beyond the words and ideas i know how to express. the decision not to use anything today no matter what, is not a difficult one for me, BUT it is one i NEED to make every day, if i want to live this life i have been given, and actually i do want to continue this life, so off i go to face my responsibilties in the real world.
∞ DT ∞