Blog entry for:

right off the bat, i am grateful that i am not a newcomer and facing the consequences of the chain of poor decisions i made over the past week. it is true, i may not be the most decisive of the pack, and i may not always or consistently make good decisions, but day after day, i make one good decision when i start my day. that decision? not to use anything, just for today, no matter what. job or no job, family or no family, romantic relationship or no no romantic relationship and the litany of no matter whats goes on and on and on. despite my natural inclination to avoid taking responsibility and live in the purple haze of substances, i have the ability today, to decide whether i want to be a part of my own life, or let the events of the day, sweep my off into the abyss of active addiction. how is that for a little bit of gratitude to start off my day!
once upon a time, i seemed to thrive on chaos and did whatever i could to stir the pot. as i stayed clean and worked the steps, i learned that it was not the chaos i liked, it was the outcomes.if i could get them to rain all over someone else, especially someone who had “done me wrong” all the better, because it was my way of equalizing the world, bringing others down to my self-apparent size. i could be a master manipulator, and everything i did had purpose, making myself look better, or making me think i was making myself look better in the eyes of those around me. i am certainly glad that just for today, that need has been diminished to the place of being nearly non-existent.
as i sit here on this sunny Tuesday morning, realizing that i could put myself right back in the middle of a swirling pot of sh!t, i pause and step back. is this really a war i want to get into, and is there any way for me to influence the outcome? the answer came to me in my TENTH STEP last night and was reinforced in my ELEVENTH, this morning. that answer is no not really. this little drama needs to play out as it will. i need not inject myself into it, on any level. i can provide support, but mediation or negotiation is not my role today anyhow. just sit by, watch the show and be ready to catch any pieces that come my way, sort like Switzerland or Vatican City, but without getting any of the looted millions. who knows, maybe i will win Mega Millions tonight and be able to throw some money at the problem.
the lesson i am getting is certainly an apt one: one bad decision, especially the decision to use, will more than likely have consequences which end up being more than i have the resources to correct. the lesson that the pain of whatever, is temporary, but if i choose to use, my actions will return me to the hell of active addiction, with the sh!t raining down upon me, each and every day, and splashing all over those who love and care for me. no sir, i am grateful that chaos is nearly peripheral to my life, i can step away and wait for the fallout to stop falling out. i am also grateful that i can take what i think is my part in all of this and shrink it down to its proper perspective, namely i have no party unless i CHOOSE to inject myself into it, which today i make a conscious choice not to do.
yes i GET to work. i GET to play and most importantly i GET to live a life that leads to a better me, instead of a meaner more vengeful me. it is so nice that i can see my part, decide what to do and abide by that decision. it is a good day to be clean and even a better one to reach out and let you all know, that no matter what, staying clean is my highest priority.

∞ DT ∞