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though my words may not. for me, gratitude always seems an exercise in in irony. i was not happy to get placed on the road of recovery,. in fact pissed-off would be a closer term. most of the time i am glad that all that happened, happened, but from time, to time, especially when i am hanging out with someone who i am growing less and less tolerant being around. the sick part for me, is i do not say anything, i just sit there and let them do what they do and pretend that is where i want to be, where in reality it is the last place on EARTH i want to be at those times.
yes, recovery has put some vexatious persons into my life, and yet i keep coming back, and i come back clean. and i come back gratefully clean, most of the time. there goes the cliché bucket, kicking into gear!
so back to the topic, gratitude. the reading implies that gratitude is something that grows over time, and yet the pink-clouders seem to express it the best. i really do love the pink-clouders, as they are truly feeling the gratitude that took me time to develop. life for them, behind their rose-coloured glasses is wonderful and i do not begrudge them a single second of that wonderful way of life. for me, well i never pink-clouded, but i was pissed off back in the day, and by the time the anger had faded, the reality that this may be a long-term gig for me had set in, and what i had to do to maintain this fragile way of life, was sort of overwhelming. i was way too busy in that period of my recovery to even think about being grateful, but believed that is i was grateful, i was expressing it through my immersion in committee service to my fellowship.
time moves on, and fast forwarding to today, the question remains, do i feel grateful for being given this chance at recovery, or am i just a sheeple that mouths the words because i want to be a part of the crowd? is my heart still in my recovery, or am i just gliding through, knowing that if i keep doing what i am doing, more than likely i will stay clean? interesting questions and the answers, rhetorical as they may seem, is that i do want to stay clean, i do want what i have been given and i DO NOT take my recovery for granted. i am actually grateful fore being here, even though i can certainly be grating from time to time. my service today, is a bit more under the radar and that is not a bad thing. when i walk out after serving,m i most certainly feel grateful for being given the chance to serve and being allowed to say what is on my heart, and perhaps, crack open the heart of another addict, to sampling what recovery has to offer. anyhow, time to get rolling through my day. it is a great day to be clean and yes, i can feel the gratitude for what i have been given, welling up inside of me!

∞ DT ∞