Blog entry for:

of goodwill to those addicts who have yet to become ready to recover seems to come down to two things where i carry the message and how i do it. i get the where i carry the message part, the how is always something i seriously consider and lately, as i have become more spiritually balanced i do not go off into the deep end of my cynicism quite as much as i have been apt to do. the where and how seem to be better aligned to the ideal many of my peers hold themselves to of “sharing for the newcomer,” even though it may have been decades since they were newcomers themselves. i know i am not the type that will drift into clichés, bon mots and bumper stickers, but i might just be the type that tempers his EXPERIENCE with a little more HOPE and STRENGTH. i am also quite sure that where i carry the message is not going to be upset by me getting burned-out because i am somewhere too often, seeing the same old faces and not having anything new to offer them. the how i carry the message is my overarching concern, even when it is not full of rainbows and daisies.
this morning, as i sat, what kept popping off the stack was a feeling of cynical disgust for one of my peers. i hate to admit that i have those sorts of feelings, as i want to be much better than that. his attempt to be the face of the fellowship and to “help” find professional treatment for addiction, is at the root of those feelings. what he lacks is the understanding that if we fail to live up to the standard he is setting, the reputation of our fellowship is at stake. i feel he is setting us up to fail, and have made that perfectly clear. since i have already exercised all my power in this situation, it is, as i finally determined as i sat, out of my hands and i need to surrender it into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, whatever that may look like. as a result i will live up to what i have committed to do and let the chips fall where they might.
as this is my week to keep walking, i have enough material to get me through my workout. letting go of the possible consequences of someone else's ambition and desire to build their self-esteem and seeking the balance my active program of recovery offers me. it is a good day to be clean and as i work though this day, at work and sitting down with the men who call me their sponsor, i can be certain that my esteem is not affected by the praise or crticism i get from either camp, i am, after all, being the best me i can be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞