Blog entry for:

these feelings are so all-encompassing, so wondrous, and sometimes so overwhelming that i often cannot find words for them. although, today i feel i must try and express some of these feelings. i am not feeling all that grateful this morning, i do not know what is going on, perhaps it is the news of those who have left the fellowship behind that appear to be doing well, perhaps it is the lack of news of those who have left the fellowship behind that my mind is fantasizing about. or perhaps, the most likely reason is quite unknown and the best thing for me to do do is just sit still and let whatever is happening inside, happen.
i think i will choose that last alternative, and as a result explore what i do feel grateful for this morning. it is early on a Sunday morning, i slept for as long as i could and now i am pondering the nature of my recovery. it is certainly true, that i have received many gifts, material gifts, emotional gifts and spiritual gifts as i have stayed clean and learned to adapt my life to recovery. it is also true, that the material success that i enjoy today, would not have been possible if i had chosen the fork in the road way back when, to return to a life of active addiction. there is no way way i would have had the resources to finish a college degree. i would not have had the time, the money or even the desire to do what it took to complete that goal in my previous lifestyle. as distressing as that sounds, i know today that was the case. it is amazing to me, how willingly i traded my dreams for the opportunity to get high ever single day. in fact, the longer i used, the more and more of my dreams i gave away. as a defense mechanism i even lost track of those dreams as time went on, so i allowed myself to use without regrets, and only occasionally did i feel any sort of longing to fulfill at least one of those dreams of my youth. so part of my gratitude today, right here and right now, is that i have the choice to uncover and reactivate those lost dreams. the gift of the desire to be more than i was yesterday is strong in me, at least it is this morning.
it seems just thinking about what i have to be grateful for, has been enough to awaken a bit of gratitude in me, and as i look over that particular entry in my gratitude list i am struck by how profound that it is. it amazes me that i have a desire to be more that i was yesterday. there was a day, that was not so long ago, where i was grateful that i could get high and to do anything more was a bonus. this vista, with the a horizon beyond my line of sight is something that has been developing over the course of my recovery and thinking about the implications it has for me as a person is awe inspiring and beyond the wildest things i ever imagined through my substance induced haze.
but anyhow -- yes i am grateful today and if you ask me why i will have to say it is because i have been given the CHOICE to be grateful, as a result of living a program of recovery. so off to the showers and into this day.

∞ DT ∞