Blog entry for:

honestly i am at a loss to describe my feelings this morning. am i grateful for my recovery? without a doubt. can i express those feelings this morning? well that is a possibility. but it is also a possibility that words cannot describe that today. right now i am in a strange kind of mood. i almost feel angry at nothing and everything. i feel happy and sad, i want to isolate and do nothing. i feel empty and unfulfilled but at the same time i know i have a bunch of stuff to accomplish today. the best way to sum up what is going on inside is a great deal of ambivalence, and i am grateful for the ability to take this sort of spot inventory of my feelings today. in my active addiction, i would have already used because i was unwilling to sort through my feelings and was uncomfortable with things i lacked the ability to understand.
today i will not use merely because i do not understand, but i may sulk a bit until my head catches up with my heart and my psyche. when and if that event happens is not known. i can sit quietly and move forward with what i need to do at this very moment, which is finish writing this little ditty, taking a shower and updating the things that need updating.
but, back to the original topic -- feelings of gratitude for my recovery. life is good today, and i get the chance to sit down with another addict and talk about the seventh tradition later this afternoon. nothing is pressing and no real deadlines loom. so i will allow myself to feel what i can, do the work in front of me and be present for whatever comes up over the course of the day. after all that is a gift of recovery for which i am grateful today!

∞ DT ∞