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sense of joy, i can feel about my life in recovery, does fuel my sense of gratitude. i am not one of those human beings that runs around spouting off about how **beautiful** life is and how everything, regardless to what is happening in my life, is **part of GOD*s plan** in fact, there are times when i am openly derisive about my peers who seem to me to live in a fantasy land of unicorns and rainbows. that is not to say that i live with a constant cloud of gloom and doom over my head, even though i often go there. i live in the real world, as messed up as it is. i accept that i am part of that mess and do my best to ameliorate my contribution to the general fVucked-up-ness of the world at large. when i uncover that teeny-tiny part of the world, i made a better place, because i got clean, stayed clean and learned to live a program of recovery, i feel that sense of joy arising from my gratitude.
of course, here is where i could negate all i wrote above with a huge “BUT.” the cynical side of me, looks at that last paragraph and starts an inventory of what i still am. yes i still tend to see the storm clods on the horizon on a perfectly clear fay. yes, i still think i am “owed” something in recognition of doing this gig day after day. yes, i still think that others should automatically treat me with respect and respect my boundaries, regardless if i have explicitly set them or not. what has come up lately is that i am feeling disrespected by a friend and peer with whom i have a very close relationship. it “feels” as if their time is more valuable than mine and their schedule is more pressing. it feels as if the lack the willingness or open-mindedness to dive into the virtual fellowship and that i “have to” provide the connection they lack. of course, none of this may be true and it is part of my p[laying the victim, a behavior with which i am very familiar, instead of allowing them the freedom to do what they feel they need to do. the irony here is, that i spent nearly an hour on the phone when a FNG called on Friday afternoon, and never once felt imposed upon or put out.
today, as i sat and listened, i once again heard the roar of the void, i understood that i do not need to “manufacture” my gratitude, as i demonstrate it by attending a meeting six days a week, taking calls for my peers, being present for the men that call me their sponsor and do my best to live in the COVID-19 world of diminishing returns and greater chaos. i do not need to skip through my life pretending to be what i am not, on either side of the coin ↝ yin or yang. today what i heard was to live in balance between yin and yang and my gratitude will be revealed to me, my peers and those with whom i share my life.

∞ DT ∞