Blog entry for:

the course my life would have taken, had i not committed to this new way of living.
i truly wanted top remove some of the certainty from the seed i used to get this little thing rolling this morning and contemplated going all ambivalent with words such as “probably” and “may have.” there really is very little guarantee, that my path before recovery would have continued down the same track it was going, after all, i had a ginormous sword hanging over my head and although i tend to believe that the only process by which i could be forever free from that was the recovery process i am currently living, i would be lying if i said well maybe…
i certainly could down that path, and often, especially now that i am approaching a HUGE, at least in my mind, anniversary, i find myself traipsing that path more and more. what if, i could have maintained my abstinence for my allotted legal consequence and then returned to the using life, where would i be today? time and again, i look to my desire to become a better more complete person, which for me, included completion of my college degree. recovery not only rekindled that desire, it gave me the means and motivation to see it through, even though i was too old, had done way too much damage and had to work full-time to keep the wolves from my door. without that education, much of what i have today, materially and professionally would not have been accomplished, as i would have lacked the resources to pursue my degree as i proved time and again in my life as an active addict.
so why am i so hung up on my upcoming anniversary when it is still many days days away, this is after all a “just for today,” program! what i am bumping up against is the lack of peers i have that have similar amounts of clean time. i hear it time and again from the visitors and the tourists, that they are grateful for the life they have been given, and they have moved beyond the whole recovery gig, to live that brand new lkife, so why have i remained? am i retarded or something? what is it exactly that keeps me coming back, when the desire to use has been absent for so long and even idle thoughts are rare occurrences? that is the nature of this set of steps, at least the purported nature of this set of steps. i know the steps do not work any “magic,” i rel;lay do not like to use the words like “miraculous” and “blessings,” to describe the life i am living now, as i can see that this life is the direct result of actions and decisions i made a long time ago and continue to affirm on a daily basis.
today, as i sit here and wonder about my path, had i left recovery at any of the previous milestones in my life, i can hear the strains of the black parade, ringing in my ears. what i am starting to feel is that whole it may be true, i could cut out going to meetings, drop a sponsee or 5, or even put aside my continuous and ongoing journey through the steps and never use again, is that really a chance i wish to take. is acting out on my envy and jealousy of those who show up for their key-tag and medallion, sufficient cause to put aside the life i have been given based on the premise of my ongoing recovery? the answers always seems to be the same, why mess with my formula for success, and i mean success on becoming more than the self-absorbed piece of crap that walked into the rooms. the fellowship is my social life and everything that revolves around my ongoing participation in that fellowship enhances, rather than detracts from the quality of the life i am living. for others, maybe being a tourist or a visitor is enough, for me, at least just for today, i want more and the only way i can see to get more, is to be grateful for what i have and keep coming back.

∞ DT ∞