Blog entry for:

oh so close to publicly stating an affiliation that can easily be surmised. yes i know i make little secret of who and what i am, but i do take a few steps to stay off the written record of exactly what SPECIFIC fellowship has provided me this manner of living.
with that littler diver out of the way, there are days when i do need to be reminded to be grateful, just as there are days when i am just auto-magically filled with gratitude and it just oozes out from my every pore. most days, i live in a state that is somewhere in between, and today just happens to be one of those days. so the party line here, would be to go through a list of the things that i am grateful in my life this morning. OR to run through everything in my life that does not meet my expectations, and end it with at least i do not have to use today.
i am not in the mood to either of those things today, however who know, by the time i attend the meeting this evening it may be exactly where i am. no i heard something entirely different when i read this entry this morning. what i heard was that IF i want to keep getting the gifts that recovery has to offer, it is time to once again pick-up what i am willing to do and get humping on all of that. no one is going to do the work for me, and most importantly IF there are aspects of my life i do find unacceptable, my job is to uncover how i can change them. yes i said CHANGE THEM, the nasty five letter word that is such an anathema to me, that i treat it like one of those seven words that one should never hear on broadcast television. okay that train of thought has left the station, lets see if i can get back on board. ah yes, fostering change in my life and being grateful for that change. that particular paradigm switch, is one that i continue to struggle with most of the time. as much as it pains me to admit it, i still like to stir the pot and send waves of chaos through the world. i do not necessarily like the reflection waves of chaos that return, BUT it does remind me that i am alive and kicking in a manner that my simple everyday routine does not. as a result of active recovery, i GET to see, the damage those little chaos waves create and <GASP> i have to own that damage, my part in it and make reparations, DANG IT. that does not however deter me in the slightest when i get feeling that i just need to do something to create a bit of chaos. so one of the changes i seem to be approaching seems to be examining my need to create chaos and is this really part of the man i am meant to be? no not predestination, but the path upon which i am walking now in active recovery. up until a few minutes ago, i never thought about that question and even though i am asking myself this question rhetorically, it does open a can of worms, that i guess i am ready to consider. not her or now, as i may not like what i find, and i need not let ALL OF YOU see everything in my underwear drawer. it is however time to hit that place where such imponderables can be pondered, as now i have PAID to participate in a race at the end of the month. so as i run this morning, i will keep in mind that although i may not say it or think it consciously 24/7(3.429), i am grateful for the ability to improve my life; physically, emotionally and spiritually and although there may be no model for the recovering addict, i can follow the example of those who have walked this path before me and have what i want. it is after all, another great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞