ฮผ by opening myself to others, i risk becoming vulnerable, ฮผ
Posted: Thu, May 24, 2007 09:03:41 AM
but that risk is well worth the rewards.
so how am i today? well a few of the storms in my life have blown over and i am still adding defects to my list. ah the joy of step work :( ;-0 :))
so the reading today is about letting down those barriers i created to protect myself from damage that may come from relationships. the fear of being hurt created a situation where i did everything i could to keep people out of my life. the price i paid and am still paying is i do not get to have tons of friends. learned behaviors regardless of their lack of usefulness are something that i have trouble letting go of. do not get me wrong, i am better today about letting people see me, i am less cautious in developing intimate relationships, and i am more willing to accept the risk that comes from being open. truthfully when i contemplate the utility of being withdrawn and aloof, i really see no advantage these days, and yet here i sit wondering if i will ever be able to fully let go of the FEAR that drives this behavior. it is a FEAR driven behavior, and even considering to move this piece of myself into the FAITH based program that i have been given still creates a feeling of resistance and rebellion. so it goes, i am getting better, and yet i am not cured. perhaps this will be the sixth step that frees me of this behavior or maybe not, my job is to look at this, add FEAR of INTIMACY to my defect list and become entirely ready to have it removed, so that is what i will do. after all it is the next right thing for me to do today.
so how am i today? well a few of the storms in my life have blown over and i am still adding defects to my list. ah the joy of step work :( ;-0 :))
so the reading today is about letting down those barriers i created to protect myself from damage that may come from relationships. the fear of being hurt created a situation where i did everything i could to keep people out of my life. the price i paid and am still paying is i do not get to have tons of friends. learned behaviors regardless of their lack of usefulness are something that i have trouble letting go of. do not get me wrong, i am better today about letting people see me, i am less cautious in developing intimate relationships, and i am more willing to accept the risk that comes from being open. truthfully when i contemplate the utility of being withdrawn and aloof, i really see no advantage these days, and yet here i sit wondering if i will ever be able to fully let go of the FEAR that drives this behavior. it is a FEAR driven behavior, and even considering to move this piece of myself into the FAITH based program that i have been given still creates a feeling of resistance and rebellion. so it goes, i am getting better, and yet i am not cured. perhaps this will be the sixth step that frees me of this behavior or maybe not, my job is to look at this, add FEAR of INTIMACY to my defect list and become entirely ready to have it removed, so that is what i will do. after all it is the next right thing for me to do today.
∞ DT ∞