ยฅ by working the Twelve Steps, i grow and change ยฅ
Posted: Mon, May 24, 2010 08:12:19 AM
i no longer want or need to hide my emerging self. i am offered the opportunity to shed the emotional camouflage i developed to survive my active addiction.
as the reading spoke to me this morning, i heard the whole vulnerability gig, i also heard and was most struck about the showing the ‘real me’ gig. the song echoing in my head right now is the the real me by the who. ironic is it not, for a person so concerned about appearances to actually desire to be real and genuine and let others into his tightly controlled inner self. even this blog can be part of that front from time as time, as i stray from what i am really feeling and write what i think that sounds good, or is just enough of a glimpse into me, to bring you back for more. this morning, i am feeling exceptionally open and the reading, especially the line about the masks i feel trapped behind, hie close to home. my recovery is not a sham, my gratitude about getting the opportunity to recover this morning is also real. what i choose to hide is the internal struggles i go through as i reconcile my feelings to my reality, and how i want all of you to see me. day by day, this tension builds up inside of me, then BOOM, i hit the next trip wire, which is generally me perceiving disrespect from someone else and out it pops, making all sorts of messes that i need to go back and clean-up.
honestly, the thought of risking my life in a class five rapid during the peak of the run-off season creates less fear for me, than letting everyone i know exactly what is happening inside of me. the last set of steps has started to correct that FEAR by replacing it with the FAITH, that no matter what happens, IF i stay true to the path i am walking, i will come to cherish the results. i can further the process by choosing to behave in the manner that fosters growth along that path, which means right here and right now, i let you know what is going on. of course, right here and right now, is so entirely safe for me, it is hardly worth the effort. i have work on my desk, i have receivables out, and i have new work to bid on. i have only been up ninety minutes or so, and nothing came into my in-box, to upset my emotional applecart. my quiet time this morning was almost double what i can usually accomplish and much more quiet than usual, and today is a light exercise day for me and my dawg. i do have some concerns whether or not i can continue to lead one or men of the men i sponsor up their paths of recovery and am considering telling them, that perhaps they need to find another sponsor. writing this down, safe or not, is more than a bit disconcerting for me, as i really am not a touchy-feelie kind of guy and to sit here and inventory what i an feeling then write it down is tough. nevertheless, there it is, safe and real for this slice in the space-time continuum, exactly as it is coming to me as i sit here doing this particular exercise.
so it is time to hit the road and get rid of the calories i seem to think i needed before bed last night. i am in a good, weird but good space and i will see where i can go along my path today. it is after all, a great day to be clean and to have the choice of whether or not i want to recover.
as the reading spoke to me this morning, i heard the whole vulnerability gig, i also heard and was most struck about the showing the ‘real me’ gig. the song echoing in my head right now is the the real me by the who. ironic is it not, for a person so concerned about appearances to actually desire to be real and genuine and let others into his tightly controlled inner self. even this blog can be part of that front from time as time, as i stray from what i am really feeling and write what i think that sounds good, or is just enough of a glimpse into me, to bring you back for more. this morning, i am feeling exceptionally open and the reading, especially the line about the masks i feel trapped behind, hie close to home. my recovery is not a sham, my gratitude about getting the opportunity to recover this morning is also real. what i choose to hide is the internal struggles i go through as i reconcile my feelings to my reality, and how i want all of you to see me. day by day, this tension builds up inside of me, then BOOM, i hit the next trip wire, which is generally me perceiving disrespect from someone else and out it pops, making all sorts of messes that i need to go back and clean-up.
honestly, the thought of risking my life in a class five rapid during the peak of the run-off season creates less fear for me, than letting everyone i know exactly what is happening inside of me. the last set of steps has started to correct that FEAR by replacing it with the FAITH, that no matter what happens, IF i stay true to the path i am walking, i will come to cherish the results. i can further the process by choosing to behave in the manner that fosters growth along that path, which means right here and right now, i let you know what is going on. of course, right here and right now, is so entirely safe for me, it is hardly worth the effort. i have work on my desk, i have receivables out, and i have new work to bid on. i have only been up ninety minutes or so, and nothing came into my in-box, to upset my emotional applecart. my quiet time this morning was almost double what i can usually accomplish and much more quiet than usual, and today is a light exercise day for me and my dawg. i do have some concerns whether or not i can continue to lead one or men of the men i sponsor up their paths of recovery and am considering telling them, that perhaps they need to find another sponsor. writing this down, safe or not, is more than a bit disconcerting for me, as i really am not a touchy-feelie kind of guy and to sit here and inventory what i an feeling then write it down is tough. nevertheless, there it is, safe and real for this slice in the space-time continuum, exactly as it is coming to me as i sit here doing this particular exercise.
so it is time to hit the road and get rid of the calories i seem to think i needed before bed last night. i am in a good, weird but good space and i will see where i can go along my path today. it is after all, a great day to be clean and to have the choice of whether or not i want to recover.
∞ DT ∞