Blog entry for:

the emotional camouflage i developed to survive active addiction. i am not quite sure what is going with my life these days. all of a sudden, i am now in the thick of things, socially and it feels quite strange. even in recovery i kept my distance from the swirl of dram and trauma that makes up my recovery community, and now i am part of the crowd and as a side-effect, get to be a part of that pageant. as a result. all of a sudden i am becoming certainly more open about what is happening to me, and my recalcitrant sponsee, even said the other day, that i am telling him more “REAL” stuff, these days.
it is ironic, that after so many days clean, all of a sudden i am developing the kind of relationships in the fellowship, that i so stridently avoided over the course of those days. i know that is the result of the step work i am doing, as i have finally begun the process of healing one of the scars of my early addiction and as a result, i started needing the company of others who are part of this journey as well. yes, the first set of steps was all about the use and abuse of mood and mind altering substances. just like the newcomers that walk into the room today, i could not see what there were so many different fellowships and why they were separated, after all, wasn't all about not using?
it was back then and still is today, however my next trip[s through the steps have not so gently uncovered pieces and parts of me that active addiction warped, buried, mutilated and attempted to destroy. becoming open is just the next phase in this journey and allowing myself to be vulnerable is one of the most fVcking scary things i have ever done. i mean this scare the piss out of me, even more than being stuck on the 3rd Flat Iron in Boulder, with no ropes and a huge thunderstorm coming in. the fact that falling to my death is less frightening than being open and vulnerable is quite humorous, and after some consideration i can see the absurdity in it. anyhow, it is what it is and life without using, and in active recovery is becoming far more of an adventure than i ever realized was possible. yes iu am learning that to be a friend requires more than just saying i am one. it means i NEED to reach out and see how my friends are doing. no matter how pissed off i get when i see someone i love failing to do so, it really is not my job to b!tch slap them and let them know what they are fVcking up, no matter how much i want to. it is my job to be a participant in my friendships, allowing my friends to get to know me and removing the cactus-like emotional skin i developed over the course of my life to date. it is also my job to be the best friend i can be today and that includes <GASP> becoming vulnerable and allowing those who care for me, to care for me.
so it is time to shower off and head west to work, i can be more than i was yesterday, all i have to do is allow the process to happen.

∞ DT ∞