Blog entry for:

to run and hide from myself and my feelings. so after my blow-up with myself Friday night, and my inability to sleep due to self-will run riotously through my skull, this morning i could actually sit down and listen for twenty minutes as a result i can sit here and suffer through helping someone do an online order.
where was i, oh yeah, risking being vulnerable and stepping out of the denial of who i was and what i feel. just as the conservative members of religion, believing they are in the majority on social issues, so much so, that they are willing to put yet another loser into the race for president, so do i deny that addiction affects me emotionally, and that i still hide myself and my feelings from others. this will not be followed up by at least i did not…
honestly, any sense of hiding from my feelings is a step in the wrong direction. i can be happy or i can pursue my happiness by chasing external sh!t. the fact is,when i feel something, anything that i do not LIKE, i do my best to swallow it, change it or just plain ignore it. the fact that my outside do not always match my insides, is part of this process, after all it is all about LOOKING GOOD, regardless of how i am feeling. the old lie goes something like this: “if i allow the world to see what is happening inside of me, i will be struck down, crushed into dust and blown away on the winds of indifference.” it then follows, that to prevent that from happening, all i have to is act as if everything is perfect and i am not only content, i am also happy, no matter what is happening, kind of like something my mom would, why waste the effort being miserable, just be happy.
what i heard this morning was that it was okay to feel angry when i act like a tool, and try to force a desired outcome. it is okay to feel ignorant, when i put expectations on others and they fail to live up to them. it is not their fault, but mine and a bit of self-flagellation in those cases is not necessarily a bad thing. it also follows that when i pretend to be doing better than i actually am, how can those who love and care for me, help and support me. this i after all, a journey that i cannot do by myself, no matter how many days i have in a row. if i do not risk anything, how can i gain anything, especially when i am trying to hide whio and what i am feeling.
one of the many gifts of recovery, is that i DO have people in my life, and they do care for me, when i allow them to, and yet, well i am eligible to, to fall back into the trap of thinking i am some sort of stoic rock, unaffected by what is going on inside and outside of me, and i think that is what the people in my life expect of me. so it is my expectations of what others expect that is the trap for me, and where i need to watch today. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to be more than i was yesterday, which was not a bad version of myself. time to get moving on, into the tasks of my day.

∞ DT ∞