Blog entry for:

of the trade, to keep others at a safe distance, are part of the **toolbox** i had when i first got clean. keeping everyone at bay, was my default behavior, after all, if i allowed anyone to **see** me as i really am, they would use that knowledge to mortally wound me. keeping a **safe** distance, meant that no one was allowed inside my emotional **Fortress of Solitude,** and the barbarians were always at the gates. i know that many of my peers seem to get that they need to be **open** from the very start, however, for me that took a minute or three.
if i had been through the discovery of the cancer i have, even a year ago, i do not know how open i would have been about it, especially since the current plan of treatment is “active surveillance.” i do not look liker i have cancer, my physical abilities are not being limited by my cancer, i do not have any of the “common” symptoms of cancer of the prostate, so i could certainly have kept this all on the down-low and “passed” for being cancer free. in the past year, something inside of me has shifted, as i have learned that being circumspect about what is going on, may not always be in my best interest. self-interest still is a driving force in my life, as much as i am loathe to admit to it, and i see that it is in my best interests, to let those around me, see me at my worst and how i handle it. i am learning to be part of the human race, and that is only because i have learned how to be a part of the fellowship that has given me this new way of living.
this little bit of writing and hiding it in plain sight, has been a a pathway to becoming a bit more open, after all i am clueless about who does or does not “tune in” on any sort of regular basis. once upon a time, i was all about driving numbers here, and made some deals with the devil to do so. these days, i find myself caring less and less about who reads and more and more about what i write. if the government in the form of the CIA, FBI or the NSA is zeroing in on my for my free expression of what i do not like in the current government, so be it. as self-centered as i am, that story certainly does boost my self-importance and has the ability to make me feel “bigger” than i am in real life. nice work when i can get it!
as i prepare to wrap this up and get the dawg out and about before the rain starts, i am quite sure that maybe, just maybe, risking a little bit of who i am, will not be the end of me. these days, i have people in my life that love and care for me, and all of them have offered me the support i may require to put living with a very low risk cancer, into its proper perspective. i could have done this alone, but i am grateful i chose to open up allow others to share my emotional and spiritual journey. it is a good day to be part of something, rather than a rock that none may penetrate.

∞ DT ∞