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now i can take risks with my feelings.
so i still take a few risks, this little exercise is risky in and of itself, as i often call out behavior that trips an emotional trigger within me. quite honestly, i was taught and strongly encouraged not to react to anything, anyone else did or said, or i would betray some weakness. defend myself at all costs, but pretend it was just part of who i was. the world on the other side of the my poker face, was never to know what goes on behind that mask, and as time wore on and i got some practice, i became quite adept at that lifestyle. so along comes this recovery gig, and right from the start i am being told, that IF i want what they have to offer, THEN i have to do what they did. none of this personal program of recovery bullsh!t, just straight, by the book, implementation of how they did it. when i finally reached that point, eighteen months or so into my recovery, it was the spookiest day of my life. there have been times when i doubted my decision to go “all in,” but i have never regretted my decision to emerge from behind my poker face.
risky or not, allowing my peers and friends to see me for who i am, is an exercise i still participate in today. i am no longer who i need to be, with them, with casual acquaintances or with people i run into on the street. the days of tailoring who sees what, are over and with it, the security of knowing i cannot be hurt, because even if they do hurt me, they will never, ever, know that. watching my peers run through role after role, when engaged in social situations, reminds me of who i could be again, and up until recently it pissed me off, now it just makes me sad, and moves me to pity them. i am certainly grateful, that the application and practice of this program and not my personal program of recovery, has allowed me the freedom to be who i am and not fulfill the situational need to be something else.
so is it a risk to be open, vulnerable, genuine and whole, FVCK YEAH! just the thought of it, makes me want to sh!t my pants. the consequences of facing my FEARS and allowing myself to be that sort of person, are far more beneficial than malevolent, enough so, that it forms a positive feedback loop, within me. as that feedback loop continues to drive me, i can more easily let go of who i want you to see me as, and allow you to see me as i am. it is a great day to be clean and the time to head on out is upon me, be well and remember that the decision to be more than you were yesterday, is totally up to you.

∞ DT ∞