Blog entry for:

behind my mask.
well this is a fine topic for me, on this second day of the week from heck, one night of work down, three more to go. it is not however all bad, today i cut the second string from my cable company. sometime this morning i will be a former Comcast internet customer. life today is definitely different and as i ponder what i learned from a co-worker from my last gig, i am struck by how fortunate i have been. when i jumped i was all sad and not very certain i was doing the next right thing. what i have discovered is that it really was a good thing that i did, for me, for my professional life and that change was part of the cascade of differences that have been part of this growth cycle.
when i was out and about, using and abusing, this and that, i was a very closed and compartmentalized person. the less i could show, the better i felt and so what i learned was to pretend as little as possible to achieve my ends. the ends diffidently justified the means, and at the same time kept me locked away safe and secure, far from the drama and chaos of living life. sure there was chaos and drama all around me, but i “rose” above it and did my best to dismiss its presence in my life. a little bit of dis and dat, and POOF, it was gone for the moment.
early recovery was not all that different, only it was material goods that took the place of substances. i saw no point in getting too entangled emotionally, as i had no desire or plans to be around the rooms for very long, little did i realize that those few months that i had planned for would turn into thousands of days, just for today.
so after a brief interlude, i am back.
this set of steps has been all about connecting. connecting with the world around me, and especially with my peers in the fellowship. the lesson that has been driven home, time and again during this journey is that is i want others to respect me, i need to be respectful. if i want others to like me, i need to be likable. if i want friends, i need to be friendly. all of that requires me to become more open and take a few emotional risks. for someone as resistant as i am to change as me, overcoming the FEAR of being hurt has been the the greatest challenge of learning to be vulnerable. across the course of this part of my journey i have been hurt, felt abandoned and wondered what i could have done differently in more than one situation. the consequences of being more vulnerable, are not nearly as heinous as i made them out to be, and as a result, i GET to be a whole lot more connected.
it is also true, that pain is a great motivator for work. part of my journey involved sponsoring a man, who ended up not being able to stay in the fellowship. what i learned form him, however, was priceless. he taught me that i no longer needed to believe the stories i told myself about who i was, where i was going and how i was going to get there. his courage, gave me the courage to step outside of the “GOD” box that i thought i had to be in, and accept that my path may differ from those of my fellows, at least when it comes to spirituality. i can stay connected and be a part of this fellowship even if i do not find their path comforting or even necessary.
if i were to look at the spiritual awakening i have had, besides the turn to the very far east, i would have to say that, risking vulnerability has been one of greatest changes i have encountered in my step cycle this time.
time to get rolling on what they pay me to do. it is a great day to be on this side of the grass and to risk allowing one or two of my fellows to see me how i am, not the mask of the recovery guru, that i like to wear, most of the time.

∞ DT ∞