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that keep others at a safe distance. yes, i can be and often am, aloof, distant and cold. those traits are part of the persona i created during active addiction, but was well under construction before i ever used that very first time. it was my contention that if i seemed indifferent and “above it all,” i could protect my itsy-bitsy feelings from getting bruised. in short i kept this snowflake in the freezer of isolation. that theorem, while hardly one to live by, has proven true, if i keep myself out of the fray i do not get hurt, what it does not address, is how to fill my NEED for human contact and connection. sure i am safe within my walls, but there is little joy and sunshine within that self-built prison, it is no wonder that i am darker than many of my peers, in my outlook on life and how i walk through my days. my dilemma is all about balancing my FEAR against my NEEDS and trying to figure out how to walk a path that allows me to be free.
after a few days clean, i have come to realize that getting hurt by the notoriously flawed human race is just a given. trying to shield and protect myself really does very little to prevent that from occurring. it is just a fact of living on two legs, if i put myself out there, i am going to get hurt every now and again. what i gain, however, is a connection to those who are part of my life, my peers, my acquaintances, my family, my loved ones and my friends. i GET to be a part of their lives and share their joy and help them to carry the burden of their pain. unlike the current resident of Casa Blanca, i realize that my words and behaviors may not always be seen in a “positive” light, but i do not melt into a puddle of tepid water because of what someone else may think and say about me. i do not need public relations people or reputation managers to protect me from the hostile world. i know what i am and more importantly have glimpses of what i might be.
have i come to the place in my recovery career, where i share all that i am, all that i am thing and all that i am feeling with every sting person who happens to interact with me? no by a long-shot, i still know how to be reserved and i still have the part of me i call addiction, whispering about what others think of who i am and how i am behaving. in this respect, the worrying about what others think i am quite like the famous resident mentioned above. i want everyone to see me one way, and if i allow them in, they will certainly see those parts of me, i have kept under wraps for all these days. learning to walk through my FEAR and become more open, is an ongoing task for me. part of that task, is to ask myself if i really need to hold back from joining this often rowdy and boisterous parade called life. i do know who i am today and better still i know what i am willing to risk to be a part of the lives around me. not everybody gets all of me, as i have yet to get to a place where i can let go of the internal reputation manger. i do know that i no longer need to enable others to remain weak and feeble, even if they choose to do so. i can let them be, and if they choose to dwell in a house of pain, so be it. i also will no longer enable those i care about, to live their lives behind the facade of a smile and a ␄positive report.” i will do what i can, however to allow my peers and friends to grow into whatever it is they may desire to be. , as i learn how to stop hiding and start participating in the lives of those around me. i need not report my “good deeds” as they are just part of doing the next right thing. the next right thing, right here and right now? get head con down to work and see if i can give my employer their due rewards, just for today.

∞ DT ∞