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at a safe distance has been the overarching mantra of my life, for as long as i can remember. IF i let no one close, i could not get hurt. as lonely as that may sound, and i have to admit that it was a solitary manner of living, it was also the safest. i was more than willing to give up human contact to prevent being emotionally vulnerable, and it certainly worked for the longest time. the worst part was once i no longer had the buffer of dis or dat, i soon was miserable and certainly contemplating returning to a life of “controlled using,” as suggested by a very large piece of literature in a fellowship that focuses on addiction to alcohol. i am grateful that i did not go down that path, as i have seen more than a few of my peers attempt that experiment, only to end up dead or much, much, worse.
today, just for today, i can be open and real. i can show my genuine self to everyone. most of the time, even though my fear of getting hurt still screams at me to back away, far away and retreat into the safe warm cocoon of isolation. each and every time i choose to face that fear and walk through it, i feel a little less trepidation about being vulnerable with those who are a part of my life. i get to expand my human contact and live a life full of the messiness that comes along with allowing others to be a part of my life. it may not always be fun, but it is still a whole lot better than sitting alone in my room, waiting for the band to play, just for today.

∞ DT ∞