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these patterns of emotional isolation can gives me the feeling i am hopelessly trapped. i am learning that i can take risks with my feelings. it will probably com, as little surprise to you, that i am not the warmest person on the block, and that until you get to know me, i appear cold and aloof. i understand that, and that comes from years and years of polishing up the whole "i am an island" gig that protected me from ever being hurt. or at least that was theory during all those years of using and living in active addiction. it actually did quite well, to protect me, i was hardly hurt at all, BUT i was hardly loved at all, except by those who auto-magically love, like my mom and dad. i accepted that, and it was good enough for me to get by. i saw my friends, acquaintances and peers, being open and vulnerable, and although i was a bit jealous of their connection to their feelings and the world around them, i had no desire to take the risks i saw them taking.
my old persona, or what the reading calls a mask, hangs on. it takes time to change, and apparently for me, eleven and a half years is not quite enough time. so be it, i have time, and i would rather be genuine and true to who i am, then some sort of glad-handing hypocrite who greets you with a warm smile, but behind your back acts in manner that belies his true intent. i see who i am, and am taking the steps to allow my concept of a HIGHER POWER free from the need to live in such a manner. truthfully, the reserved manner that i act in, when meeting new people or even newcomers is not a mask, it is who i am. the FEAR that you might hurt me, or hate me, if you got to know me, is still active in my life. it is not as big as it once was, but it still exists and it is a courageous act for me to have any social interaction outside of my circle of friends and family. sponsoring men in the program definitely helps. sharing openly in meetings about what i am feeling also helps. being sponsored and forced to face tough questions is the key for me. there is a relationship where i need to be the most vulnerable, and that relationship is one where i have the most FEAR -- what if …
…WTF!
so anyhow, learning to be who i am, is a process. where i happen to be on that particular learning curve is a mystery, but i know i am willing to become more warm, more welcoming and more open, and my experience has been, that willingness is the key for change to be manifest in me. what i do know and accept right here and right now, is that learning to become the sort of man i have always wanted to be, is a process, a lifelong process at that. today i choose to show what i can, and perhaps tomorrow it will be a bit more, who knows. so it is off to rehab my hamstring and see what i can do to takes acre of myself as well as take care of those who pay the bills.

∞ DT ∞