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these patterns of emotional isolation give me the feeling that i am hopelessly locked behind a iron mask. isolated or not, it certainly is much safer emotionally, for me. which nicely brings me around to a topic i whined about yesterday, namely members expecting perfection in the fellowship and <GASP> finding instead imperfect human beings. their experiences in being betrayed and feeling angry at everyone, has been mine as well, or at least in my teeny-tiny addict brain that wants to separate me from the source of my recovery. the fact is, distance creates safety. isolation creates security. and isolation and distance, at least for me, create intolerable situations in my life, that endanger my recovery. so i have to man up, stop pouting about who burned me, and try again. the process of taking a risk emotionally, teaches me quickly, who is trustworthy and who is not. my picker was certainly broken when i got here, i could not pick partners for any sort of healthy relationship. i chose people who would say they were my friends than stab me in the back,. i chose women who would love me, than become clingy and dependent. the only good choices i made way back when was to stay in recovery, keep taking emotional risks and choosing someone to be my sponsor. that relationship was the riskiest of them all, after all, being vulnerable with another dud, seriously how sick is that?
well, that relationship, was to become the model of of the following relationships i formed, not that i did all of them well. in fact, an addict called me last night, and it seemed there was more on his mind than he was willing to share about. many times, i would have asked what was going on, but you know, and i am sure you do, that is playing my game of co-dependence. it is not my job to drag out of anyone, what they need to tell me and as i work at becoming a better human being, i understand that all of this is just the same old stuff on a different day. yes that pig in lipstick still is just another pig, prettier i am sure, but no better than any other pig. i still want to choose the least healthy relationships so that i have proof that i am still broken and can run. i am still afraid of being totally open and vulnerable, as i do not want to be hurt. it is still far easier to have some distance than be in the thick of it.and yes, i can surrender some of my power to those others who want to gossip and stab me in the back, because than i have evidence that this gig called recovery is a sham.
NICE WORK, WHEN YOU CAN GET IT!
speaking of which, it is time to head on down to Denver, to earn my daily bread. life is good today and perhaps i will take a risk and see what happens, emotionally that is!

∞ DT ∞