Blog entry for:

from myself and everyone else was ingrained so deep in psyche when i got clean that it took years of active recovery before i could even begin to let other see me. even then, it was a little over a year ago, when i finally saw for myself, what i had been hiding for decades. ever since that revelation, my emotional state has been one of ginormous ups and downs, but as the peaks and valleys start to give way to the plains, i can see that i am better off emotionally, spiritually and certainly physically than i have been in years.
coming to terms with living a lie has been tough. as i look at my life now, i see that living the truth is a whole lot easier. under the cloud of the lie, i had to constantly evaluate what others thought of me and tailor my actions and speech to meet what i beloved was their expectations, whether or not they were my peers or not. learning to be, just as i am and behaving as myself, instead of some idealized version of me, has been rewarding and is still a tough road to follow. i can still hear the lie being screamed from the top of every rooftop, encouraging me to “pretend” to be what i am not and never was. resisting that siren's call takes more than being strapped to the mast or having my ears plugged with wax. it takes fortitude and the certainty that the POWER that fuels my recovery, is presenting me with yet another opportunity to be more than i have been, if i choose to avail myself to it, the opportunity that is.
so it is off to work and into the real world, once again. it may be one heck of a long drive, but i am out and about and not hiding in my office, and for me, that is not a bad thing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞