Blog entry for:

to run and hide from myself, my feelings and other people. as i sit here this morning and get rolling on what i want to write, i find it more than a bit suspicious that the last thing i really want to write about is what the bulk of this reading was all about, namely vulnerability. i want to stuck to the quote and disregard the body.
what i heard was about honesty and as i ponder that i can see how honesty and vulnerability go together and as much as i hate to go there, that is the entry point for merging these seeming disparate trends of thought.
for me, when i was using, and yes long before i ever used, i learned that to be vulnerable, to let anyone in, was not only dangerous but was inevitably painful. when i learned to seal off the real me from the world, i finally felt safe, but that dang real me, kept sneaking out at the most inopportune times, and did not appear when i really needed it, such as my oft-mentioned foray into marriage. i spoke a bit of my amends to my ex yesterday, but not what i actually made direct amends for, when i was given the opportunity. she, like everyone else in my life, was allowed to see what i wanted them to see of the real me. by the time i met her,, i was pretty darn good of keeping the so-called real me, so stuffed inside that there was very little possibility of me getting hurt. unfortunately that also applied to situations where the real me, would have been an asset, such as during the courting phase of my failed marriage. alas, i had an agenda way back then, and i was not about to let that pesky real me, get in the way of my goal, namely to be married by the time i was 30. my ex never had a chance to evaluate who i really was, until it was too late, and we were already married, and even then, i only let a bit of him out for her to see, as was her major complaint throughout our relationship, that i was closed off, secretive and incapable of letting anyone in to my heart of hearts. in a relationship based on using, partying and having a great time, this was alright, but when it came down to building a life together, well not so much…
that was the damage i could and did make my direct amends to her for, and that was what i asked for forgiveness from her for, although in the process, everything else is implied.
learning to seal myself off from the rest of the world took time and energy, and that process, i am finding out still today, is difficult at best to reverse. i am more vulnerable than ever, and yet i still feel the fear every time i let the real me out of his shell. writing this sort of stuff does help, but what is the most helpful is the process of the STEPS! learning to remember my past and put it into perspective allows me to move forward confident that if i want to change my choices, i have a framework in place that allows for that to happen. i am learning that the real me, is what i want to show to the world, and whether or not they like that me is not my stuff. behaving like a trained ape, to get the love and affection of those around me, is no longer acceptable to me and that means, dang it, i have to be honest about who i am and how i feel and yes allow myself to be vulnerable, regardless of the risks. the consequences of not doing so are beyond the price i am willing to pay today.
with that in mind, it is time to take off running, after all i have much to do today and only so much time to do it.

∞ DT ∞