โ i no longer want nor need to hide my emerging self โ
Posted: Wed, May 24, 2006 06:08:13 AM
so of course, one question that might be asked at this juncture, is what this has to do with risking vulnerability, the topic of the JFT entry. did i just pull out some random line, or is there some motive to my seemingly random choice of titles?
well, i do not know if i have a motive, nor am i even sure if i have a method going here, but for some reason the whole thing about shedding my emotional camouflage seems to be very pertinent. and if i shed my camouflage, i show how i really am and thus become that much more vulnerable. and learning how to risk vulnerability is what this is all about -- at least what i picked up from the reading this morning, but it is still way early for me and i have been known to miss an obvious point or two before the coffee kicks in.
a bit of a break to take care of a natural function and of course my train of thought slipped the track it was on and i started thinking about one of the men with whom i share my recovery with. he is and has always been one of those class clown types, that shows up late for meetings and needs to make an entrance when he does appear. why i am thinking about him when i am considering my emotional camouflage is because i wonder what kind of acts i put on to keep people, my friends, my peers in recovery, and those who love me, from seeing what is really going on inside. not that my friend is putting on some sort of act with his behavior, that is beyond my capacity to determine, but i wonder if i am using a similar method to keep people from seeing who i really am, and whether they get the feeling that something is not quite right, when they interact with me? an interesting line of thought, and one that is quite appropriate to the topic of risking vulnerability, it is a good thing i am setting up a time and place to sit down with my sponsor this morning, i am a serious need for a reality check! but that is life in the big city -- i never know from day to day what is going to happen and who i am going to need to be. and that is what i am the most tired of, trying to figure out who i need to be and just being the person i have become. definitely a seemingly random jump back on to topic, because i do not want to hide from who i am anymore, and today seems to be a good day to get that rolling, one day at a time!
well, i do not know if i have a motive, nor am i even sure if i have a method going here, but for some reason the whole thing about shedding my emotional camouflage seems to be very pertinent. and if i shed my camouflage, i show how i really am and thus become that much more vulnerable. and learning how to risk vulnerability is what this is all about -- at least what i picked up from the reading this morning, but it is still way early for me and i have been known to miss an obvious point or two before the coffee kicks in.
a bit of a break to take care of a natural function and of course my train of thought slipped the track it was on and i started thinking about one of the men with whom i share my recovery with. he is and has always been one of those class clown types, that shows up late for meetings and needs to make an entrance when he does appear. why i am thinking about him when i am considering my emotional camouflage is because i wonder what kind of acts i put on to keep people, my friends, my peers in recovery, and those who love me, from seeing what is really going on inside. not that my friend is putting on some sort of act with his behavior, that is beyond my capacity to determine, but i wonder if i am using a similar method to keep people from seeing who i really am, and whether they get the feeling that something is not quite right, when they interact with me? an interesting line of thought, and one that is quite appropriate to the topic of risking vulnerability, it is a good thing i am setting up a time and place to sit down with my sponsor this morning, i am a serious need for a reality check! but that is life in the big city -- i never know from day to day what is going to happen and who i am going to need to be. and that is what i am the most tired of, trying to figure out who i need to be and just being the person i have become. definitely a seemingly random jump back on to topic, because i do not want to hide from who i am anymore, and today seems to be a good day to get that rolling, one day at a time!
∞ DT ∞