Blog entry for:

it is not the same thing as recovery. i can enjoy the benefits of recovery, but i must take care to nurture their true source.
so after an interesting day yesterday, having top speak in court when i was unprepared and listening as the sentence was passed on my sponsee, this reading is so appropriate. he was trying to gain the acceptance of the officers of the court, and did a very poor job of it. perhaps, he will finally learn, as i have done, that if i want to be acceptable in the eyes of the world, i must first accept myself as i am. acceptability is a gift and a benefit of recovery, living without the use of drugs is just the beginning of becoming who i really am, and finally accepting that man as he stands before the world today. if one were to look at my life from the outside, it now appears entirely normal. i am successful in my career, i have purchased a house, i am working on building a long-term relationship, and the justice system is not a part of my life. yes there are all the trappings of a normal person, and yet inside, and not too deep, is the raging addict, waiting for the opportunity to destroy that acceptability by encouraging me to turn away from the path that has allowed me to accumulate these benefits. i am beginning to understand what it is to have some time clean, and as i approach one of those annual milestones, recovery sometimes feels less relevant than it did when i was struggling to get more than three weeks clean. the actual truth is that more than ever, i NEED to be diligent in working my program, adapting my life to fit recovery, and finding the ways and means to make recovery relevant in my life. admitting that fact is the first step towards breaking the denial, that perhaps clean time is all it is really about. after all, if i can go extended periods of time without using, perhaps i am not an addict. what a delicious irony, because only an addict would contemplate whether or not he really is an addict. those so-called normal people never venture down that line of thought, and they do not need to. i may not scream to the world that i am an addict in recovery, and actually i was quite uncomfortable admitting that fact in court yesterday. but i was willing to do what i could, and i do not believe i was of much help in that matter. what will happen to my sponsee? well first off, he will have to come to terms with the new reality of his life, another ninety days sleeping in the care of county sheriff, and perhaps a spiritual awakening that living on self-will will not achieve the results he desires. he now has even more evidence of that particular thought. for me, i will do what i need to do, and when the time comes, and he has the freedom necessary, i will help him on his journey through recovery. anything less would be denying my responsibility to the program that has allowed me to appear socially acceptable.

∞ DT ∞