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and hustling are no longer part of my daily repertoire of things i do. in fact that have been gone for quite some time. they started to become less important when i was merely abstinent but when i finally came to recovery, my need to use them in almost any manner was basically removed. i did, however continue to live the lie that in order to be accepted and liked i had to look like everyone else and could not possibly be myself. that is a topic for another day and one that i have touched on frequently. this morning what i heard when i read my source material is that all that i have been given, as a result of living a program of active recovery, comes from within and is not dependent on external factors. well, i still have to please my employer if i want the comfortable life i have been given, but that comes from within as well. the DESIRE to be a good employee.

Wayne,
Congrats on two decades (XX years)
of doing this JFT gig!

it is very easy for me to say these days that looking normal is not that big of a deal, because if one did not know me, way back when, one would look at me and the trappings of my life and not see the disaster and train wrecks of my active addiction. all i ever wanted was to look “normal.” the harder i tried the worse things got. getting clean changed very little, except that i had a bit of money and i had new group of peers to emulate, one that did not require finding the ways and means. i still lied and hustled to a point, but i justified it by thinking to myself: “at least i did not use,” as that was something i kept hearing in the fellowship that was not to be in my future. that bit of Jedi mind-fuckery was powerful and certainly well used by me, until i finally came to recovery and allowed myself the freedom to leave that sh!t behind.
today, after a few days clean and living a program of recovery, i can forgive those who have stolen from me and yet have the nerve to show up week after week at my home group and not say a word. i know how easy it is for me to justify less than stellar behavior and when i do it enough the lie i have been telling myself becomes the “truth.” today, i know i am, not entitled to anything, save for the opportunity to live another day clean, walking in the sunlight of FAITH that IF i do what i have been taught, surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, more than likely i will get all that i need.

∞ DT ∞