Blog entry for:

acceptability in the eyes of the world is a benefit of recovery; it is not the same thing as recovery.
okay i have to admit, the traditionalist, read program nazi, in me loves that statement. it has not always been the case, but these days, just hearing it, much less getting to write about, just warms the cockles of my heart. i certainly could drop off in a shortcoming or two, and describe all of those around me, who seem to forget where they came from and what they are, however my time would better spent focusing on my stuff and not living in those wonderful shortcomings that are so long in going.
what i heard this morning, in the very brief time i could actually quiet my mind and listen was a trip through how this statement used to affect me, and how much things have changed. back in the day, and that day was not all that long ago, looking like i was normal was one of the most important things in my life. the irony was, i wanted to look like a normal person to the normal world, and a “normal addict” in the rooms. that last statement is so absurd that it would make Albert Camus proud. it gets even better, wanting to appear socially acceptable within the walls of the fellowship, is no better that wanting to put on that façade for the world in general. the gifts of recovery make me appear much more normal than i really am to the world in general as well as to my friend, peers and acquaintances in the rooms. all of that feeds more than one of my defects of character and i begin to believe that i am normal, in the outside world and within the fellowship, which leads to a whole new level of denial. it is a good thing that i have the desire to work steps and live a program, that can pierce through the fog of denial and demonstrate in no uncertain terms what i really am, just another addict who happens to have another day clean. that ism in and of itself, the miracle of this program, that i can somehow find the tools to live without the use of drugs, just for today. the problem is that as the chain of days gets longer and longer, it become more difficult to see how addiction is making my life unmanageable. then BOOM out comes the step work and here i am, railing against the unfairness of it all, the injustice that life has to be unmanageable after so much time , and here i am, sitting on my writing assignment that explores this very issue, how unmanageable my life currently is, and <GASP> how pissed off i am about that very fact.
although i wonder if this is just another game, to prove what a normal fVcking addict in recovery i am. and on and on and on…
what i do know this morning is that i DO have step work to do. i DO have work to accomplish for my clients. i DO have the desire to workout. and most importantly i DO have the desire to do whatever it takes to foster my recovery this morning and today. so whether or not going for a run looks normal, i do not care, it is for me the next right thing to do, after all, something woke me up this morning,, far earlier than i had planned, so i might as well make use of the extra time i have been given.

∞ DT ∞