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it is quite true, that after some clean time and some step work, one begins to look normal, especially if one can enumerate their their clean time in multiples of a thousand days. this seems to be true in general, although i loathe lumping any class of recovering people together and making broad overarching statements, in this case i will swallow the bitter pill of what i have done and move on. anyhow, for me this is true, as i am actually becoming a responsible and productive member of society with credit card bills, a mortgage, and a long-term, committed and stable relationship, what many of the other 85% see as trappings of a normal life. if i was one to judge on appearances, and i am, i would say that i am quite normal. using that observation, the addict withing could extrapolate that NOW since i look normal i am normal and somehow i have joined that other 85% who can use without triggering active addiction. the reasoning from there only gets worse and i choose not to go down that particular path to the end, as i already know what it will be.
anyhow, i have several threads running through my head right now, so i will deal with each one of them and perhaps i will be able to tie them all together in the end.

FIRST OFF:
Congrats on SEVEN (7) YEARS CLEAN TODAY,
WAYNE -- I AM GLAD YOU KEPT COMING BACK

so, this reading brought up a sort of totally unrelated thought and i think it may fit here, and even if it does not, i am going to put it out to the bits and bytes that is the INTERNET, today. i hear lots of notions and have heard some of the preposterous statements across the course of my recovery. some i dismiss right away, some linger around and get weaved into the stories i tell myself about myself, and some just surface from time to time. anyhow, one that popped up from the heap today is that there are members who will not vote me into service positions BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS OF MY CLEAN TIME. i mean seriously, what the fVck does that mean? why on earth would anyone be jealous of any addict's clean time, as in the long run it means very little in the big scheme of things. after all, our literature clearly states that clean time does not equal anything but a string of miracles in a row. clean time is no indication of relative health, emotionally or spiritually, and certainly has very little to do how well i happen to be living this program of recovery. to have the arrogance and cajones to suggest that others are jealous of days in a row, is certainly me exercising my character defects and living in those outrageous stories that the addict with spins about me and serves up as reality. when i start believing the lies, i am truly on my way out and i NEED to get moving on my step work once again.
speaking of step work, i finally finished the task of grinding the written legacy of my recovery work. it is true that it took almost a year after the impetus came upon me to even get it started and i tossed it over and over again in my head. there again is a bit of arrogance and conceit, to think that anyone would ever want to read those writings, so that i had to shred them, rather than just dump them in the garbage can. truth is, there is a part of me that never wants them to see the light of day again, now other than burning them, cross-cutter shredding does that trick quite efficiently. reading random passages from those old journals, inventories and written step work convinced me that much of what i wrote was hurtful and even in context could be damaging to others. oh yeah, if someone else read that stuff i may not look as good as i want to look. so not only do i get to wrap my concern about how i look in the future around a spiritual principle of not harming others, the justification almost slipped under my radar. my next decision will be what to do with the contents of my GOD box, just for today i will let go of that and see what comes to me. that stuff, i know is toxic, as that is why i have and use my GOD box.
as i tie up the loose ends i can see that all of these threads go to the reading. i get it now why appearing normal is so important to me, as it gives me a leg up on the newcomers, who are struggling to stay clean, feeding my ego and allowing myself to feel better about who i am today at the expense of others. i sense a bit of work coming down the pike in my near future, as i am beginning to glimpse why i am struggling to live in my THIRD STEP decision these days and having trouble moving on. that too will be something i let go of for right now, as the sponse said, the time has come to trust my intuition in this respect.
so the answer is: NO, I AM NOT NORMAL, NO MATTER HOW NORMAL MY LIFE MAY APPEAR.
within that though first and foremost in my mind, it is now time to join my normal looking life in progress and get on to the next task for today. i am grateful i have the presence of mind to be who i am today, and that is an addict seeking to live a program of recovery. it is a great day to be…

∞ DT ∞