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looking normal is very different from being normal. social acceptability does not equal recovery. and of course my all time favorite, **lasting recovery is not found in acceptance from others.**
so yes, i have to be one of those who actually says that i really liked the reading this morning, in fact if asked and if i had to tell you, i would say that these days this is one of my all-time favorite readings, for a variety of reasons. whether or not i like a reading, however, is totally irrelevant to my ongoing recovery. it is probably those readings i do not like, that are the most important for me to read. i was going to talk about how much it really irks me when i hear at meetings about how much someone liked or disliked a reading, but i have spent enough of my time and energy on these pages talking about others, and today what i really need to think about is me, at least in the here and now.
so even though i like this reading, and i get the point, there is till a part of me that is resistant to the message. on the surface, it may seem that the opinions others may have of me are inconsequential to me. it may appear that my path in recovery is not about making myself look good. it may appear that i am well <GASP> normal.
the actual truth is, that i let the opinion of others bubble through my being and make adjustments accordingly, altering my outside appearances to give them exactly what they want, especially if they happen to be someone i NEED to impress. so the more i respect someone, the better i try to appear in their eyes. okay before i continue there is one caveat here. this behavior has been reduced by working the steps. while still present in my life, it is no longer THE driving force behind all my interactions with everyone i happen to run across in the course of daily living. to say anything less, would be false humility at its best, and i have already blogged about in the not too distant past. yes i am still sick, yes i am still insane, and yes my outside appearances to someone who does not know me, may be a normal kind of guy. i am not as sick as when i started this process, and my step work to date, has provided me a life that is much saner than before. part of that sanity is the diminishing of my NEED to look good, to look normal, and to find acceptance through your eyes. i look at character defects like radiation, they have half-lives, over time the amount of a defect changes into something different, usually more in line with a spiritual principle or two BUT there is always some of it left, even though it may be below being detected by casual observance. with the correct instruments one can still find it present.
so back to the topic. yes i am one of those in the choir here. i accept that any appearance of being normal, is a result of working the steps. ASSMOSIS will not bring about the personality change that this addict needs to continue down the path of his recovery. IF i want to become the person i have always dreamed of being THAN i need to to keep doing what it is that has brought me to this point, that is work a program with a sponsor and let the program work me, one day at a time. time to run, literally, back at you tomorrow.
BTW:
happy 5th year clean date anniversary Wayne.

∞ DT ∞