Blog entry for:

and into new hope, the companion of the recovering addict.
the suggestion this morning, at least the one i hear, is to reaffirm my THIRD step decision and allow hope to become part of my life. honestly, i would have to say, that despair is not the constant companion it was when i was struggling to get clean, or even when i was early in my recovery process. so replacing despair with hope these days does not seem like a task that requires my attention today, or does it?
something my sponsor said over a year ago, rings in my head today, as i progress through this little bit of writing. he said, "your despair is just quieter these days!"
am i still living with despair? well maybe. the reading also states a very explicit promise, that living the program and actively practicing steps two and three will replace despair with HOPE. to me, that means that as time progresses, if i continue to do what i has been suggested to do, that my despair will fade and HOPE will grow. the coolest idea that just came into my head is that the lack of despair in my daily life is evidence that i am doing what i need to do, on a daily basis, as well as evidence that this process is creating ongoing change in my life. so the next part of the thought train is a quick inventory about whether i am in denial about the amount of despair that is in my life. of course i could end this exercise right here without any further thought, but as the person i am, i do need to take this to its conclusion. over thinking everything is just part of my nature. denial of despair has been part of my experience, after all if you had asked me way back when if i thought i was desperate, i would have said HELL NO, and NEVER ASK ME AGAIN! since i have a tendency to minimize my despair, i need to look at the converse of this theory, am i HOPEFUL today, and if so, what do i have HOPE about. well, i feel hopeful that today i can accept the power i need to stay clean. i am hopeful that this process is worth all and any of the effort i put into it. and i am hopeful that i can wake up tomorrow morning and decide to stay clean yet another day. so based on that cursory inventory, i would say that the deapair i came in with has been replaced with HOPE, and that i can continue to be vigilant in working my program. after all, it is all about ME!

∞ DT ∞